Baphgirl (ssj_insane) wrote,

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The bells....... THE BELLS!!!!!!!!

Quick update. Everythings good.. ok ok, more realistically, MOST things are good. I have a new job, now in full time employment in a permanent role, highest pay ever... Finally broken the $30,000 seal. For me it is an accomplishment after only a few years in temporary posiitions so, meh!.

Although I like my current job, it will never be like the one I had at the leather place. My workmates were AWESOME. I'm not saying the ones I have now are alright, but it all made a part of the atmosphere. Plus there was never ever the niggling anxiety of those plastic things with the buttons and holes and cords.....

TELEPHONES. It is one of my most destested methods of communication... Internet being my least despised.

Everytime I urge myself to answer the phone when it rings.... and everytime I freeze up, and try to look busy (often getting other workmates who probably are actually busier), and just don't answer it.

At the other place, the receptionist/secretary took care of it, and it was never for me.. not work calls anyway. If it was for someone, she'd use a PA to announce the call, and it was all good. My workspace was phone-free so I never had to glance over, only to have it glare back menacingly... brewing up a call as it does now...

One of my workmates hassles me about it. I wonder how long it will take before it goes beyond a joke. I'm postive I can answer it when no one is around. I am sure that if I am in a situation where I am in my own workstation, and the phone goes, then I know it will be for me so I will answer it. I've only been at this place for nearly a month and a half... I don't know what it is... that makes me freeze up and hate phones... so I felt compelled to write it out on here.

I will try and make this sound as non-angsty and whiny as possible. I don't like other people who I don't know (oh, and some I do know). People annoy me... well, they Don't annoy me if they don't say anything or do anything to/at me. I am not a social animal like a dog... I am a solitary animal like a cat. I accept this side of me. Unfortunately my job, in the long run, won't. I don't want to have to rattle off my life story and psychological composition to my employer, friendly as she may be. I'm from the school where if you aren't good at something, then simply don't do it. It's not a form of laziness. I do work hard, when the work comes in. I just prefer not to have contact with the outside world (ie clients). BOO HOO! It's part of your job requirement its what you get paid for!!!!!!!!!! You're letting the team down!!!!!! You're being the weakest link you'll be thrown out of there so fast... you're not good enough for a job like this!!!

The voices don't stop.
The phone doesn't stop.

Every time I could have answered it and don't, I get the guilts. I can operate expensive advanced biotechnological analytical machinery, but I get the heebies when I'm expected to answer a simple phone!

I don't like my personal space invaded. I don't like people talking in my ear, and I don't like ringing ppl I don't know and talking in their ear.. but how does that stop me doing 90% of my other work?

Reading back on this, it seems that I don't like a lot of things. But in the big picture that is outweighed by the things that I do actually like... since when was it illegal not to dislike anything...? I can be a fucking grouch sometimes... wearing this happy clappy mask all day can be exhausting.. but not as draining as being asked 'whats wrong?' when I'm looking my normal blank expression..... or 'don't look so worried..' when I am thinking about something in-depth. So some days I wear this little sellotape smile and hold in the bitch when she is being treated as a child rather than a workmate... yes I'm junior staff atm but I can still only do a few things at a time... I respond better to being asked nicely not being bossed. I do subtlely give back what I get.. I can be curt with my workmates if I feel that they are being a bit much.

Anyway..... this phone thing... yeah I know its not a stalker on the other end of the phone, just I've had some pretty bad experiences from work... usually I'm one to put my past behind me and carry on.. but this is somehow different. Its a tough nut to crack. I think.. that in order to handle this phone thing, that I need to change more of myself than I am willing to. I hear all the other workmates on the phone and they just idle chit chat blah blah stuff that sounds simple. And they sound so confident, and know where this is and that is and who's away and where everyone is. I don't have that airy-fairy receptionist voice. My voice is quite low, and whispery when I talk to people I don't know. I have two differnt voices. One reserved for friends and when I can be myself... and one that comes out when I'm talking to unaquainted people, that makes me sound like a total idiot. I'm NOT an idiot. I just have trouble expressing myself vocally... which is why I do have a lot of time for shy people. They're not stupid, not everyone has to be a loud obnoxious extrovert life of the party 'oh look at my repetoire of canned phrases' megaphonemouth. And yes, I'm quite jealous, yet... thankful I'm not one of them... although going down that alley one could become successful just because of the report they have. I have my own magnetism, I can make friends, I can incite lust... (although not as much as the days of old because I'm somewhat attached.. but that doesn't stop the other half of the popluation..) I can be successful in my own right tho. I have my words........ wonderful, fulfilling words!!! Words are my ally, my defense, my offence... just through one medium...

Damn... once again, I am thwarted by time... I must away to my bed of sleeping. :P
Good night and....
**Disclaimer: This "curse" was in jest... sure I do something like a "curse" on the internet... curses... feh.
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