Baphgirl (ssj_insane) wrote,

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More of Life's lil twists n turns...

I like conducting experiments on Mum sometimes. They don't harm her, its just verbal tests and reactionary ones.

Friday nite I went out with a girlfriend of mine to a University Gay/Lesbian/Bi dance party type function. I'd never been to such an occasion before, but I wasn't adverse to it. Its like slipping into a scalding hot pool bit by bit... testing the waters.

So I told mum today where I went, and she kinda guesses as to why I went, because my gf is bi ('WOW! Is she? Oh my god!'). She then goes 'I hope she isn't trying anything on you', and because I just have this easygoing attitude sometimes (yeah yeah don't kid yourself...) I said 'hey I wouldn't mind that...'

Needless to say Mum was mortified by that comment. Why? I was being honest. She says she is 'open minded'. Maybe, if openmindnedness was on a scale, totally narrowminded and closed being a 0, an infinite wide open space of endless possible thoughts and ideas being a 10, mum would be about a... um... hmm.... ok I'll be nice and give her a 5.5 (possibly pushed down a few pegs by the hypocrite quotient). Just because she is MY mother does not make her instantaneously qualified for being 'openminded'.

I had to tell her I was joking when I wasn't really.

And that was my little test.

I didn't push my other test as far (and won't advance with it at all. It is her move). I don't know what she'd balk at the most, my religious preference or my sexuality, which, like the former, has just lain dormant until I 'grew up' and decided to choose and to act on those choices for myself, not holding back 'because its what Mum wants'.

The other test involved my birthday present from my bf, which I am most grateful for, and will be even more when the other half of it arrives. I told Mum I got my bf some CD's (40 bux worth... so 2x$20 ones). Mum say 'and what did he get you for your birthday? A Lotto ticket.' Makes him look bad once again. DOH.

For my birthday he got me The Satanic Rituals by Anton LaVey, and also is awaiting the arrival of The Satanic Witch, by the same author.

Pity I can't tell Mum that, hey, but my rational thinking has already planned ahead. I don't do this to piss her off (I'm over that teen angst rebellious 'I hate you, you make my life hell so I'm going to make yours hell, LITERALLY' crap), I do it because this is the person I am, this is who I am comfortable being. I don't like to hide things, I feel uncomfortable while doing so, but in some cases my logic and common sense tells me to keep quiet about certain things (I DO still want a roof over my head). If she sees my books (I don't hide the books funnily enough), I'm sure she'll comment, and then we can discuss as ADULTS. At least I won't have the annoyance of her trying to save my soul or anything like that. She just has this picture painted of me, I don't wish to guess what it is, but it's the wrong one.

I have asked for advice before, and the usual answers were 'live your own life, don't tell her anything, you're 26..' Nice going, but me and Mum have a good relationship on the surface. I don't WANT to have to hold back on some of the stuff I say, but, at the end of the day I have to respect her limitations. To not do so would result in me living in a.... well, I could fend for myself but barely so it would be a little more upmarket cardboard box.

This may come across as harsh, but I think once she is out of the picture, life will be less complicated. I'm POSITIVE she thinks the same with her mother. (Who is about 5 years off 90 years old so its a more realistic prospect). It's an ongoing cycle hehe, and I'm going to break it. Just you watch.
Hey, who said I meant I can't wait for her to die? I could mean 'out of the picture' as being in a different country even. As long as I'm with the male member of the duo of chaossphere and I, then I can take on anything? Lol that might not sound strong and assertive blah blah but there are some jobs that are better shared when need be!

There is only one thing I am ashamed of, and I don't care admitting it. I am 26 and still live at home. Not for all my life so far, thank Kami. :P
I am just waiting...

I hate waiting. I'd rather DO.

Waiting can be an advantage tho, I can save up some more money. That is about the only thing I can think of doing while I still have the dosh and not wasting it on rent etc.

Gah I feel like one of those 'limbo' moods coming on. I will stop now before I explode with words. Sometimes I feel that this journal (well, me writing in it anyway), is counterproductive... why don't I just write on a normal document that isn't online (is it the attention, or what?) I do, there are some highly potent stuff I've written that I don't include in here. I feel that writing in here is counterproductive because it deters me from writing my PROPER stuff, like stories and all that.

So I will stop writing about all this negative stupid horrible scummy crap, and inform you lot who are reading that I had a really great weekend. The extra day off was one good point, but there was just something cool about the weekend.
It was exciting, and we all stayed out till 3am, which is something I haven't done for a while. It could have been better, but that is something I don't mind waiting for this time. It wasn't just that in itself, it was the drive home with my bf, and making and eating Nachos with him with a couple of Steinlagers and watching Conan the Destroyer on DVD, curled up on my bed in a blanket, and having him stay over and not have to drive him to work at 7am. It was graaannnnnnnd.

OK, well I'm going cos its time for me to sleep! :D
Be good!
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