Things occur sometimes that make you think 'awwwww it won't happen to me!', and you just continue life as you usually do...
Something did happen, which wasn't all that major compared to some troubles, but still it revealed a small secret... ok ok it was a three year long secret...
Dun dun DUNNNNNN!! My parents now know whats going on in my bedroom during weekend nights. They didn't walk in on me and my boyfriend. but mum discovered it in (her perspective), a not so pleasant way... This time, there was no cover-ups, no backpedalling, nothing I could do to gloss over details... it was there in plain, clear rubber.
Mum wasn't happy and gave me a talk that i've heard more than once. Again, that opened up a whole new dilemma in my head, one i've sometimes even have to ask other peoples opinions on... when i was in a weak moment.
Whats more important, emotional value or monetary value...? Who's better to be with, a guy who's loaded financially but who has the personality of a stick, or someone who doesn't have much money, but who makes you laugh and feel good about things, and who understands the way you think?
Would you go with what your head thinks is the logical choice for a secure future, or with raw gut instinct and pin hope and trust on something that could go either way but because you feel so much for this person you could let SOME things slide...?
I had the opportunity for the former, but I blew it because it felt wrong. Could it have improved if i had stuck at it...? Maybe, but i really wasn't going to hang around and find out... it just felt wrong somehow, despite what was going on in the background.
Mum says that i can do better, she knows i can. She knows what i want, we've talked about goals and wanting something so much it turns into action brought on by hunger of whatever is set in ones sights. I know this too, but also I am stubborn, and in this case she can talk at me until she is blue in the face... i'm happy. I know she's my mum and everything and she wants whats best for her 'little girl' and she doesn't want me going down the track i did with my LAST boyfriend... so she tells me not to make a life commitment, to give me some room to back out, if need be.
That secret is still intact. She only thinks i'm just sleeping with him for something to do. It used to be like that, but it isn't now, its more than that... my relationship with him has substance now.. its not just empty fucking like in some cases it used to be.
Does this make me foolish for possibly going down the same track (although it is an ENTIRELY different situation... i'm not living with him for a start, plus i am actually doing something in life other than sitting at home feeling miserable 24/7, and I've grown within myself a lot over the past few years... and while there's still a FEW things to iron out, they're fairly minor and easy to overcome with the right communication and input.
Or does this make me a fierce spark, for going against the tide of grey society, placing myself in the tattooed arms of someone who isn't a suit-wearing piece of wood (although he does wear a uniform of sorts...), and see where life takes me (more ups than downs i'm hoping...)
I only hope that *HE* hasn't bitten off more than he can chew... plunging himself into this relationship which is on a major part a team experience... when he hasn't done much in way of his own independence... Thats probably the only sticking point. I CANNOT stress enough how important that is, and something I agree strongly with mum about. I don't really quite know what goes on in his head regarding this aspect, so i can't really comment. Being self-sufficient is one of the most important pinnacle in life... it is when you truly become an adult, in the meaning of the word.
What happens if your parents all of a sudden die, and you are left with no family, and for the most part, unreliable friends... who do you turn to? Without the basic life skills, you're FUCKED! That is why it is of utmost importance that as soon as you can, learn to do stuff you would otherwise take for granted, just because you never know... one day it Will happen.
It's strange because on the most part my boyfriend is stunningly intelligent... what, did you think for one second i'd go out with a boring brainless moron typical easy-going human without an ounce of creativity? HA! ^_^ I'm with him for a reason... well ok a couple of reasons... :P
So anyway, it DOES feel good to have a small portion of weight on my shoulders lifted... although i don't think mum will look at my boyfriend the same again... oh well, her problem its not like they talk much anyway.
On other fronts, again, I should be writing an assignment rather than concentrating on this... i've probably written enough words in quanitiy in here to have finished it by now... but its better to write about something I like instead of something that i'm told to write about something i know little about or don't want to know about because it is of little interest to my internal brain-cogs, but of considerable interest to my education... -_-
About three entries ago i mentioned something about a situation that i skimped over, not wanting to release all the details, the one that turned out to be a catalyst in taking the relationship with my boyfriend to beyond the physical, partly because, i may have mentioned, it was a very weak moment for me and i was able to communicate easily on an emotional level, which i have trained myself not to. (I don't believe in soppy romatic stuff... unnecessary emotion IS weak).
I've been using ALL my willpower to forget that it ever happened. Nearly three months down the line, i find its not working to its full capacity.
In all my life i have never been so angry. EVER. About anything. About all the crap that eventually led up to it. If anything, it was a miserable failure in communication gone horribly, HORRIBLY wrong... twisted and warped into a fucked up perspective by external means and mental unclarity, not on my part. It was totally unnecessary, which is why i think most drugs are pathetic, and humans are irrevocably stupid.
All along I knew it, it resounded along my soul like a trip-wire being set off... i wanted to be away from the situation before it even erupted, avoided it all together, which i COULD have done... if it wasn't for the enticing idea of a weekend far away from home. That in itself was another torch to add to the fire. If i'd been in my home town, i could have just up and left. I was over 500km from home, so it would have been a 7 hour drive rather than a 5-10 minute one. I had known all this was going to happen yet i was led along like an unwitting lamb to the slaughter, thinking it was all beyond my control... and quite possibly it was, because apparently it was ALL IN MY HEAD and not as bad as i made it out to be.
BOLLOCKS. i am an observer... an observer never misses the fine details of interaction, especially when they are the prime target. In this field, my instincts are almost never wrong.
Although in this little scene in my life i would rather forget, it was made out that everything was my fault... i was blatantly falsely accused of doing things that in reality i would not have considered, mainly because i probably had something better to do. For some reason, i almost felt guilty, drawn into this verbal spell of... i don't know i can't describe it... after enduring it, it did feel like something was my fault, but going over it, nothing was... at the end of the day it was just a heap of nonsense spouted by someone who was off their face. This person made no attempt to hide their... somewhat childish... rage... for some unknown reason.. directed at me...
I hid mine quite successfully, although when it was over... i was shaking and i couldn't sleep and i wanted to go home... i was in some sort of shock...
I don't think i can fully get this out of my system unless i somehow write it... discussion with another party just rekindles my own rage, and because i don't yet have any means to satisfy myself with dealing with it in a physical sense, i will reason with the keyboard... its a shame if the only other person who knows what happened and was there, has to once again be subject to my ranting... although in a different medium..... i feel i can get EVERYTHING out in writing... without skirting over any issues. I think i'm kinda beyond caring in this case. Because i have chosen to speak as little about what happened in my day to day life, i realise that a raw purge of written words is in order. Thats how my brain works, and its also how i dealt with my problems at school/home/etc... except those were written with pen on paper.
I had never felt the urge to hit someone so much. To make them feel pain... and who knows what would have happened. If it weren't for the spikes, I probably would have made a move, furthermore, if one had been made on me (which this person had hinted at 'if i pissed them off enough' - like i do that sort of thing on purpose for fucks sake), there is no ounce of doubt that i would have defended myself and retaliated. In over 12 years, my head had not swam with the red pirahnas of raw, electric rage surged through my bloodstream, until then.
In over 12 years, which was during my first year of high school. That was what helped me rein in my fury. That this person was no better than a smarmy little highschool student who thought i wasn't cool enough to be in their club. This notion, ridiculous as it may have sounded, kept my snarling wrath at bay. I don't know whether this person was baiting me intentionally to start a fight or what... i didn't want to give her what she wanted. i wasn't going to play her stupid immature game and drag myself to her level, at any cost to my pride.
If a deaf dog barks and yaps and snarls at an impenetrable, calm barrier, who is ideally the stronger of the two? Regardless that as soon as it was over the barrier crumbled...
If it had gone on any longer, my patience for reasoning would have worn out eventually, because its not what i'd call a conversation... for starters it was completely one-sided and totally incorrect and wouldn't listen to reason, and even when it had let up for a few minutes, again it started over... quite monotonous and repetitious.
What makes it all the more worse and confusing, is that before all this crap... i did hold this person in a kind of silent awe, and respect. I did sometimes feel uncomfortable in her presence... so i rarely spoke... in some company i don't say anything unless theres something to say... (probably why i keep the journal entries so widely spread apart)... and because she is sometimes unpredictable. (well duh). She was like some kind of etherial queen of art... almost from another dimension... i liked watching her... she has a figure most women her age would die for... although i did have this respect for her, all i saw was a waste. i couldn't help it... usually i can communicate on others wavelengths... but it was like she belonged to a tribe that had a totally different language... i wanted to get through... in some things we do have stuff in common... except in different pantheons maybe.. it would have been good to share knowledge...
these days i do like communicating with clear minds now... minds that don't CONSTANTLY need interfering substances to think on another level. (does that make me a hypocrite?? yes and no.. after i'm finished with the bottle of salvia thats it. no more, ever. i do things out of experiment, not addiction and escape). Minds that can fashion their dreams into reality - not let it flap loose in the breeze hoping a strong gale will set it in flight - have my infinite attention. Maybe thats why i like listening to my chemistry lecturer rant about stuff (although it doesn't really help with study). It makes fists in my mind rap their knuckles heavily on the small bubble i sometimes place on myself through limitations...
i had no openly hard feelings towards this person... yet i could feel hostility brewing from every pore even two or so months before this all happened. i could feel it in the air, choking, suffocating, and it wasn't the incence.... invisible electricity raised the hairs on my skin.... as soon as i entered the house during those times, i just wanted to be out of the door as quickly as possible. if leaving immediately wasn't on the agenda, i would sit on a couch next to the drummer in their little bandy groupy thing and hold his hand or place my hand on his leg or something... just to ground me... if conversation went on, i mostly just immersed myself in the music that played a lot of the time. Kami help me if the place was ever without music...
and yes... the drummer is my bf... one of the reasons why this whole thing is difficult. i don't blame him directly for anything... this is between me and this person.. he did his best at the time... if the whole situation were any different i wouldn't give as much of a shit.
I'm usually an easygoing person... i don't pin the blame on anyone if need be, and despite some of my beliefs, i am very forgiving. But like some of my beliefs, whether personal or external or common sense or whatever... if someones fucked with me, whether being high or drunk is NO excuse (unless they were a complete stranger who i didn't know), they are ELIMINATED. Pure and simple. Not necessarily dead, but non-existent in my eyes. I have done this before, so i am not a stranger to it... but i know this...
COMPLETE SEVERENCE is needed... of the person.. of the people who know them... no contact or anything whatsoever, so they just simply, disappear... which is quite funny, because during this stupid ordeal, she mentioned the very same thing... because she was sick of me coming around late in the weekends or whenever to pick up my bf after the jam/practise/whatever was over. i had my reasons for all of that... which was that because I had the vehicle, i was in control of what time i turned up... i might have been involved in something important like writing, to just instantly tear myself away on a command. and if that lot was too lame and got drunk/whatever else so they couldn't drive my bf around here, that also was not my problem. it was my way of setting boundaries... that i was not some little doormat taxi that turned up when it was convenient. it was also a message to my bf to get his shit together and get himself a reliable mode of transport and not rely on anyone else... seems somehow it backfired on me and made it seem like my fault..... -_-
anyway she didn't listen to what i had to say there... she said something like 'he's more than welcome to stay the night.' TOTALLY missing the point... she made it seem like i had told him to ring me when he had finished like i was a total control freak there... whereas he'd supposedly ring me when he'd finished.... oh well her problem.
I don't go around there anymore... not for ANY reason.. well i try not to, but some ppl are just too lame for their own existence, but i do NOT want to make it a habit. Complete severence and all that...
A little tiny voice in the back of my head tells me that maybe it would benefit me a little bit by trying to patch things up.. and have a civilised conversation rather than try to talk to a 37 year old toddler going through teething. How would it be beneficial...? well for one my bf can carry on with his band thingy hobby stuff without me rolling my eyes and grinding my teeth... but is that REALLY a personal benefit. i can say it benefits me by getting all this out of my hair, wiping the slate clean, releasing the vice it has on my circulatory organ and stop me shaking in rage every time she is mentioned...
is everyone else blind?? now i only see an old hag pushing 40 covered in tattoos that do look impressive and complement her whole 'image' and what she is trying to portray herself to be, who somehow got caught in a rip tide that turned her world inside out and might have given her some insight... and now she's stuck there while even the people around here are moving on... like a horse and carriage stuck in a world of motorcars... i can see potential in ppl, and what i saw just was a waste of that.... sure apparently she's living her life how she wants... but what makes her so unhappy...? what causes her to lash out in these fits of emotional and sometimes physical violence?? especially when she doesn't get what she wants... then the tanties start, and they're anything but mature. she likes being the matriarch, the mother cat... (its funny the guys don't see that at all) whether she saw me as a threat, i do not know, nor will i probably ever know.
Some tell me the result of that night was just a bunch of drugged ranting and 'she'll hit herself over the head about it in the morning, ha ha ha... etc...' she might not have had control on what she said, but she said it... if the thoughts weren't there, the words wouldn't have... i knew that she probably had planned it, the thoughts she had probably had during the day and the past months just bubbled to the surface under a weakened control... there was substance to those words... i could feel it, and i know it... but the thing was, i was straight, completely not under influence of anything, and those words, spoken by a yapping poodle, still did cut... i didn't have a fluffy pillow of intoxication to lessen the blows... or possibly in turn enhanced their power... although i'm not reeeeeeally prone to violent outbursts when drunk. they sliced at my pristine braincells... i could have probably laughed them off, i don't know... i WOULD have if it had been someone i hadn't known at all... but this was a complete surprise... I do believe most of it was a drama act, and might not have needed to happen... i've been told not to make a big deal about it. so i won't. in real life. here, i will make a big a deal of it as i like.. because its a pesky pixie that i have to rid myself of.
After a recent turn of events, somehow i see that chance of receiving an apology is failing, which gives me all the more cause to believe that she meant everything.... i dunno...
Especially since after a turnaround period of two days, where she nutted off at her 'bestest best friend' (aka my bf), in another drunken tantrum because she thought he wasn't dedicated enough (he has a thing called a 'life' in other words), he received an apology.
I asked him 'and where's mine?' that would have been the perfect opportunity... and if he had felt he was maltreated, COULD have poured salt on the wound there, and twisted the blade. That chance is lost now, and while i told him that it was no big deal, i kinda just waved it away like it was nothing... of course i would... why? because i don't go around nutting off at ppl if it doesn't get me anywhere.
i believe fate has made it this way... otherwise he would have remembered to remind her... i wish he'd made her feel stink... or just dig up that crap and rub her face in it... i would have done it if someone nutted off at him and didtn' talk to him for months, then went mental at me then apologised for being stupid... i would have bought that previous thing up.. so everything could be righted at once... without having to sound like begging, because you'd have the noose at THEIR throats...thats what being evil is all about... it seems some ppl can't grasp the finer points of that art. yet.
that in itself speaks chapters... in two different volumes (cryptic eh?). as usual, because i consider myself Above human stupidity, i will let it LIE. in here though, its different.. i can be what i want, who i want, where i want, when i want and how i want and why?
Because I can.
Nobody tells me what i can and cannot be. NOBODY has the right to dictate my ego and what i should think and what i shouldn't do just because it pleases them, and may make Their lives easier through my discomfort. I have learnt that the hard way, it doesn't accomplish anything.
Its great to be yourself, but sometimes 'acting' can be fun, and less annoying. Just because sometimes you play pretend, doesn't stop you from being who you are. It is in no way being untrue to oneself.
Anyway, I shall end this... until next time... tired... and stuff...