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I'm going to add a little bit more...   
04:45pm 25/11/2008
mood: embarrassed
Reading down this journal I can't believe I haven't posted about a fairly important thing that happened late '05...

I went to London!

It was only for nearly two weeks but it was cool...

And I want to go again!

Next time I'll go with someone who actually wants to go to the Goth clubs there... -_-

Instead of my brother and his now wife who are pretty straight... and my Dad.

On the upside, I got to see my beloved Palace play! (altho I'm being slack on them now.. :( )  That was cool but I was tired and it was a Saturday so there definately was no Goth clubs for me that time...

When I go next it prolly won't be cool anymore, or I'll be too old... :P

I Loved Camden markets and the shops and wow they were awesome, there's nothing like that in NZ.

Westminster Abbey was cool, not everyday you get to see a building thats about 1000 years old...

I want to go over with Xan and drown in the life....

But we got two lil boys now and we'll go when they're a bit older or something, or leave them @ g-parents to babysit em... (they're good like that)

I still can't believe that I forgot all about it... o_O

(Spar With Me!)

Seven Thingz...   
03:44pm 25/11/2008
mood: mischievous

Yes, I'm back in Nelson again for now.. hello Internets!

I'm not pregnant anymore (thank fuck!), our little Amon came out quick as a flash!!!

Here's some random shit to enjoy with popcorn or any other snack!

1. Destructive unpredictability
2. Moths and other medium-sized flying insects & spiders
3. Heights
4. Cot Death/SIDS/SUDI whatever it is now
5. Unwanted/Un-needed attention
6. Having no $$
7. Touchy-feely when it's not mutual

1. Xan (when he's in there)
2. Babies
3. Bed
4. Computer(s)
5. Clothes
6. Pretty Solstice Lights (colour-changing LEDs)
7. Lava Lamp

1. I have broken only one bone in my life (L thumb)
2. I used to have F-cup breasts
3. I have a scar on my head from when I was born
4. I like being pissed on
5. I have crashed my car twice
6. I lost my virginity at 16
7. I won a screaming contest once

1. Watch my boys grow up
2. Write a book or 2
3. Have a three(or more)some
4. Own a house
5. Acid
6. Beltane World Tour!!!
7. Get my nipples pierced (again)

1. Vomit on cue
2. Sing(ish)
3. Play bass guitar, piano, clarinet, saxophone...
4. Draw
5. Be a good mum
6. Bend my fingers back 90 degrees
7. Love Xan

1. Pee standing up.. no, wait.
2. Not cry at sad bits in movies (I'm worse these days thanx to silly hormones n stuff)
3. Run for an extended period of time
4. Play lead guitar like Xan :(
5. Answer phones confidently
6. Fly
7. Blow stuff up with my mind

1. I dunno
2. Fuck
3. NO!! (To Vikey)
4. Love My Xan
5. I s'pose
6. What?
7. Shit

Until next time!  Whenever that is...

(Spar With Me!)

OMG Like.. it's nearly 2 years later!!!   
11:02pm 15/07/2008
mood: cold

I could write a long winded entry about what's been happening these past lots and lots of months...

Or I could keep things brief...

My life changed drastically in late 2006.. Before the new year of 07, I had changed where I lived, who I lived with, and my job (went back for another stint at the leather lab)..  and then AFTER the New Year I got sick with glandular fever and then got pregnant...  then I lived in a housetruck with my partner Xan until last September when I finished work cos I was nearly due...

Then we had a wee boy called Vikaroth and now he is 9 months old and a lovely, cute wee demon-boy... :)

And I'm preg again  (actually about 30 weeks as I type this) so not far to go..

So I'm not going back to work.. which suits me fine right now.. I'm really loving doing the family thing... not working.. haha.. but I now play Bass in Xan's band (BELTANE - it's just me and him now.. Gothic Industrial Black Metal woohoo!!) and we play gigs and stuff and do recordings in cool places on the Solstices and Equinoxes and put out CDs !!   Believe me, that's work in itself...

I don't have the internet at home anymore, so I'm making the most of it from here in good ol sunny Nelson hehe... have to make it quick tho cos tomorrow we have to go to Christchurch for a gig on Thursday and then one again on Friday!!!  It just never ends... 

OK I think thats pretty much it up to date, two years, just like that!  POW!!  Maybe see you in another two...


(4 Previous Opponents | Spar With Me!)

According to some random site, this is........   
06:39pm 09/09/2006
mood: drunk

My Personality
Openness To Experience
Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report

MySpace Surveys, Discount Ugg Boots and hi5 by Pulseware Survey Software


Anyway.. I'm a little drunk.. and thinking about... um... people... and places, and fun things to do... with the people.. in those places... far away places... galaxies far, far away...

...so it seems...!!!!!!!

Look!! I'm open to experience!!!! What does that tell one, hmmmm??? x_X

(1 Previous Opponent | Spar With Me!)

Solstice's Altar Returns After Hecate   
12:34pm 03/09/2006
mood: giggly
Shh, it's a secret code!! ^_^

Anyway this is just a short note to say that I'm still around, even though I use Myspace a hell of a lot more...
but I just can't go and delete this... hehehe I will come back and visit occasionally...

Anyway.. updates... I have a job in a veterinary pathology lab, as a full time permanent tech (Intemediate level haha.. there's always a catch..) I live away from home in a cute little flat with my bf.. (still chaossphere...) http://www.myspace.com/chaossphere666
That has it's ups and downs... and DOWNs... nothing I can't handle with a good stiff drink (or 12) and the company of good fiends.. er... Friends!!... whether in person or via txts.. :P

I'm still me... still enhancing, still evolving, still surviving...
I designed Beltane's new logo!!!
Check them out, be their friends!! haha

See you in another year!! haha ;P

(1 Previous Opponent | Spar With Me!)

Another quizzy thing since I haven't done one in nearly 4 years.   
03:55pm 08/07/2005
mood: sick
The Seven Unholy Virtues

1. Who did you last get angry with? A workmate
2. What is your weapon of choice? Morning star (spiked mace on a chain). Or maybe a huge Ki blast.
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Yes, if I knew he couldn't/wouldn't fight back
4. How about of the same sex? Yes. As long as it turned us both on.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? My mum...
6. What is your pet peeve? General stupidity.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I keep them for as long as I need them, use the energy from the grudge, and then forget it and move on.

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a while? Nothing. My routine changes.
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? When it was dark.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? A lady about a book.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? My excuses aren't lame... other people might think so but not me.
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? Sadly, yes. I can feel the subliminal brainwashing, but choose to ignore it.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? I didn't because I was sick today. Ahh, bliss!

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Red Bull
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? White... definitely white.
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? Enough to make me pass out and puke and be taken to hospital and my liver to have nearly shut down. That was 12 years ago tho.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? No, but I wouldn't mind working for one.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? I used to. But now I realise that plastic surgery works! I'm definitely going back down that road.
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Spicy and salty... followed by a little sweet.
7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? < b>I've been hungry before but not THAT hungry.</b>

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? More than 10.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? More than 10.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Guilty of both and all the time.
4. Have you "done it"? Depends what 'it' is... but if 'it's the 'it' I think 'it' is, then yes.
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? The overall picture. ;)
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Yes.

1. How many credit cards do you own? Zero.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Real Groovy.
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? My FREEDOM! :D That is a package deal: House, car, cool stuff, and some well-deserved body-work!
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Rich.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Hell yes. I could be a lid-screwer-onner for $500,000 p/a easily!
6. Have you ever stolen anything? 2 cents (ok after the question below there might be a few more things)
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? Over 1,000

1. What's one thing have you done that you're most proud of? Be myself.
2. What's one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? Be myself.
3. What's one thing would you like to accomplish in your life? Make enough money to be comfortable and not stress over it.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? No, I'm used to it, I can accept it. I know better, of course.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? Possibly.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? Yeah, I'm a born lil sneak I am. But only when I was 7.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? I done a poo!

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? I want the world.. I want the Whole world!!
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? Someone who had a power shower. I'd never leave.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? I don't want to be anyone else.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? Yeah, quite possibly. But I don't give a shit.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? OH YES! Wings and a tail. Gimme. NOW.
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? A faster metabolism :P
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? Hell no, I'd have made a way better one. But I can't be arsed.
8. Finally, what is your favorite unholy virtue? All of them - in moderation!

Seven Boring Bores.

1. What religion do you follow? I 'follow' no religion. However, I am a Satanist. There is a difference.
2. What religion were you raised as? None at first, then I went to a Presbyterian church, and learnt that it wasn't for me.
3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? Real forgiveness is a human property. Fake forgiveness is a religious property.
4. Do you believe in magic? Yes, I even use it.
5. What was the last promise you broke? I can't remember.
6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? All the time. That's why I don't pray.
7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? No. That would be boring.

1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? No, but shit happens.
2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? There is no hope, only truth.
3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure?If I know there is a large (or even a small) chance of failure, there is no point in hoping at all! Be realistic, folks ;P
5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? Yes.
6. Do you gamble? No.
7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? I don't think so.

1. What causes do you support? My own.
2. What causes have you given money or time to? Mine.
3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? No way.
4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel-inherent worldwide charity group?Nopers!
5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? Yeah just a couple of bucks to get them out of the way. Small change for a bunch of parasites.
6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? Possibly.
7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need? A big extent. They only get one chance tho.

1. What are you most afraid of?Being the unwanted centre of attention.
2. What did you do today that was really brave? Got out of bed.
3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why? Vegeta... he's my fave anti-hero.
4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? Depends who it was.
5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? I'd go with a combo deal.
6. Have you ever gotten stage fright?I get it even in small groups.
7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? I lead and follow myself. I don't trust others to lead or follow me.

1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? Were you chosen? Yes but I got out of it.
2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? I'd have to go.. there couldn't be any way out of it.
3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)? Yes. Especially when they deserve it.
4. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA? I think Michael Jackson would do a better job. Dubya can be his 2nd monkey and he would be called Dubbles.
5. What was your favorite media circus trial? Now this question puzzles me.
6. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? I might have as a school project when I was little.

1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? Maintaining a 'normal' facade in the workplace. I know its for my personal benefit but it is so hard sometimes!!!
2. Do you collect anything? Yeah a few things.
3. Are you addicted to anything? Dreaming.
4. Have you ever put anything on layby or used an installment plan? Yes.
5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? Cash, upfront.
6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do: Put blind trust in people even though I knew they were wrong.
7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? Sometimes.

1. Who is the wisest person you know? Me.
2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? Er... I don't... know.
3. Do you take advice when it's given? Yes, if I asked for it first.
4. What area are you wisest in? The big picture.
5. Do you drive defensively? No, I drive offensively! Rarrr!
6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? Would you ever? Been there, done that. Big deal.
7. What did you learn today? That doing these surveys kills a lot of time.
8. And of course, what is your favorite boring bore? Uh... a little tiny bit of each.. there has to be somewhat of a balance..

Whee, the END!

(2 Previous Opponents | Spar With Me!)

The bells....... THE BELLS!!!!!!!!   
11:00pm 24/08/2004
mood: aggravated
Quick update. Everythings good.. ok ok, more realistically, MOST things are good. I have a new job, now in full time employment in a permanent role, highest pay ever... Finally broken the $30,000 seal. For me it is an accomplishment after only a few years in temporary posiitions so, meh!.

Although I like my current job, it will never be like the one I had at the leather place. My workmates were AWESOME. I'm not saying the ones I have now are alright, but it all made a part of the atmosphere. Plus there was never ever the niggling anxiety of those plastic things with the buttons and holes and cords.....

TELEPHONES. It is one of my most destested methods of communication... Internet being my least despised.

Everytime I urge myself to answer the phone when it rings.... and everytime I freeze up, and try to look busy (often getting other workmates who probably are actually busier), and just don't answer it.

At the other place, the receptionist/secretary took care of it, and it was never for me.. not work calls anyway. If it was for someone, she'd use a PA to announce the call, and it was all good. My workspace was phone-free so I never had to glance over, only to have it glare back menacingly... brewing up a call as it does now...

One of my workmates hassles me about it. I wonder how long it will take before it goes beyond a joke. I'm postive I can answer it when no one is around. I am sure that if I am in a situation where I am in my own workstation, and the phone goes, then I know it will be for me so I will answer it. I've only been at this place for nearly a month and a half... I don't know what it is... that makes me freeze up and hate phones... so I felt compelled to write it out on here.

I will try and make this sound as non-angsty and whiny as possible. I don't like other people who I don't know (oh, and some I do know). People annoy me... well, they Don't annoy me if they don't say anything or do anything to/at me. I am not a social animal like a dog... I am a solitary animal like a cat. I accept this side of me. Unfortunately my job, in the long run, won't. I don't want to have to rattle off my life story and psychological composition to my employer, friendly as she may be. I'm from the school where if you aren't good at something, then simply don't do it. It's not a form of laziness. I do work hard, when the work comes in. I just prefer not to have contact with the outside world (ie clients). BOO HOO! It's part of your job requirement its what you get paid for!!!!!!!!!! You're letting the team down!!!!!! You're being the weakest link you'll be thrown out of there so fast... you're not good enough for a job like this!!!

The voices don't stop.
The phone doesn't stop.

Every time I could have answered it and don't, I get the guilts. I can operate expensive advanced biotechnological analytical machinery, but I get the heebies when I'm expected to answer a simple phone!

I don't like my personal space invaded. I don't like people talking in my ear, and I don't like ringing ppl I don't know and talking in their ear.. but how does that stop me doing 90% of my other work?

Reading back on this, it seems that I don't like a lot of things. But in the big picture that is outweighed by the things that I do actually like... since when was it illegal not to dislike anything...? I can be a fucking grouch sometimes... wearing this happy clappy mask all day can be exhausting.. but not as draining as being asked 'whats wrong?' when I'm looking my normal blank expression..... or 'don't look so worried..' when I am thinking about something in-depth. So some days I wear this little sellotape smile and hold in the bitch when she is being treated as a child rather than a workmate... yes I'm junior staff atm but I can still only do a few things at a time... I respond better to being asked nicely not being bossed. I do subtlely give back what I get.. I can be curt with my workmates if I feel that they are being a bit much.

Anyway..... this phone thing... yeah I know its not a stalker on the other end of the phone, just I've had some pretty bad experiences from work... usually I'm one to put my past behind me and carry on.. but this is somehow different. Its a tough nut to crack. I think.. that in order to handle this phone thing, that I need to change more of myself than I am willing to. I hear all the other workmates on the phone and they just idle chit chat blah blah stuff that sounds simple. And they sound so confident, and know where this is and that is and who's away and where everyone is. I don't have that airy-fairy receptionist voice. My voice is quite low, and whispery when I talk to people I don't know. I have two differnt voices. One reserved for friends and when I can be myself... and one that comes out when I'm talking to unaquainted people, that makes me sound like a total idiot. I'm NOT an idiot. I just have trouble expressing myself vocally... which is why I do have a lot of time for shy people. They're not stupid, not everyone has to be a loud obnoxious extrovert life of the party 'oh look at my repetoire of canned phrases' megaphonemouth. And yes, I'm quite jealous, yet... thankful I'm not one of them... although going down that alley one could become successful just because of the report they have. I have my own magnetism, I can make friends, I can incite lust... (although not as much as the days of old because I'm somewhat attached.. but that doesn't stop the other half of the popluation..) I can be successful in my own right tho. I have my words........ wonderful, fulfilling words!!! Words are my ally, my defense, my offence... just through one medium...

Damn... once again, I am thwarted by time... I must away to my bed of sleeping. :P
Good night and....
**Disclaimer: This "curse" was in jest... sure I do something like a "curse" on the internet... curses... feh.

(9 Previous Opponents | Spar With Me!)

11:56pm 30/05/2004
mood: ecstatic
OMG It is still like a dream!!!!!! We're goin up we're goin up!

Six years it's been, six whole years since we saw the top flight!!! From near to relegation as we can get (4th from bottom) in Nov/Dec, we have risen, like an Eagle-shaped Phoenix from the ashes... this is our victory!!!

Now we can say we are truly over all that crap from the late 90's..... and under the great Iain Dowie the lads shall prove themselves, and no longer will we be referred to as a yo-yo team!

This is the reason I support this team (apart from that they're the most super awesome unpredictable team.) The lows maybe low, but it makes the highs just that much sweeter in comparison!

We are Palace, Super Palace, we are Palace, from Selhurst!

I LOVE YOU PALACE, I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Spar With Me!)

More of Life's lil twists n turns...   
11:35pm 23/05/2004
mood: pensive
I like conducting experiments on Mum sometimes. They don't harm her, its just verbal tests and reactionary ones.

Friday nite I went out with a girlfriend of mine to a University Gay/Lesbian/Bi dance party type function. I'd never been to such an occasion before, but I wasn't adverse to it. Its like slipping into a scalding hot pool bit by bit... testing the waters.

So I told mum today where I went, and she kinda guesses as to why I went, because my gf is bi ('WOW! Is she? Oh my god!'). She then goes 'I hope she isn't trying anything on you', and because I just have this easygoing attitude sometimes (yeah yeah don't kid yourself...) I said 'hey I wouldn't mind that...'

Needless to say Mum was mortified by that comment. Why? I was being honest. She says she is 'open minded'. Maybe, if openmindnedness was on a scale, totally narrowminded and closed being a 0, an infinite wide open space of endless possible thoughts and ideas being a 10, mum would be about a... um... hmm.... ok I'll be nice and give her a 5.5 (possibly pushed down a few pegs by the hypocrite quotient). Just because she is MY mother does not make her instantaneously qualified for being 'openminded'.

I had to tell her I was joking when I wasn't really.

And that was my little test.

I didn't push my other test as far (and won't advance with it at all. It is her move). I don't know what she'd balk at the most, my religious preference or my sexuality, which, like the former, has just lain dormant until I 'grew up' and decided to choose and to act on those choices for myself, not holding back 'because its what Mum wants'.

The other test involved my birthday present from my bf, which I am most grateful for, and will be even more when the other half of it arrives. I told Mum I got my bf some CD's (40 bux worth... so 2x$20 ones). Mum say 'and what did he get you for your birthday? A Lotto ticket.' Makes him look bad once again. DOH.

For my birthday he got me The Satanic Rituals by Anton LaVey, and also is awaiting the arrival of The Satanic Witch, by the same author.

Pity I can't tell Mum that, hey, but my rational thinking has already planned ahead. I don't do this to piss her off (I'm over that teen angst rebellious 'I hate you, you make my life hell so I'm going to make yours hell, LITERALLY' crap), I do it because this is the person I am, this is who I am comfortable being. I don't like to hide things, I feel uncomfortable while doing so, but in some cases my logic and common sense tells me to keep quiet about certain things (I DO still want a roof over my head). If she sees my books (I don't hide the books funnily enough), I'm sure she'll comment, and then we can discuss as ADULTS. At least I won't have the annoyance of her trying to save my soul or anything like that. She just has this picture painted of me, I don't wish to guess what it is, but it's the wrong one.

I have asked for advice before, and the usual answers were 'live your own life, don't tell her anything, you're 26..' Nice going, but me and Mum have a good relationship on the surface. I don't WANT to have to hold back on some of the stuff I say, but, at the end of the day I have to respect her limitations. To not do so would result in me living in a.... well, I could fend for myself but barely so it would be a little more upmarket cardboard box.

This may come across as harsh, but I think once she is out of the picture, life will be less complicated. I'm POSITIVE she thinks the same with her mother. (Who is about 5 years off 90 years old so its a more realistic prospect). It's an ongoing cycle hehe, and I'm going to break it. Just you watch.
Hey, who said I meant I can't wait for her to die? I could mean 'out of the picture' as being in a different country even. As long as I'm with the male member of the duo of chaossphere and I, then I can take on anything? Lol that might not sound strong and assertive blah blah but there are some jobs that are better shared when need be!

There is only one thing I am ashamed of, and I don't care admitting it. I am 26 and still live at home. Not for all my life so far, thank Kami. :P
I am just waiting...

I hate waiting. I'd rather DO.

Waiting can be an advantage tho, I can save up some more money. That is about the only thing I can think of doing while I still have the dosh and not wasting it on rent etc.

Gah I feel like one of those 'limbo' moods coming on. I will stop now before I explode with words. Sometimes I feel that this journal (well, me writing in it anyway), is counterproductive... why don't I just write on a normal document that isn't online (is it the attention, or what?) I do, there are some highly potent stuff I've written that I don't include in here. I feel that writing in here is counterproductive because it deters me from writing my PROPER stuff, like stories and all that.

So I will stop writing about all this negative stupid horrible scummy crap, and inform you lot who are reading that I had a really great weekend. The extra day off was one good point, but there was just something cool about the weekend.
It was exciting, and we all stayed out till 3am, which is something I haven't done for a while. It could have been better, but that is something I don't mind waiting for this time. It wasn't just that in itself, it was the drive home with my bf, and making and eating Nachos with him with a couple of Steinlagers and watching Conan the Destroyer on DVD, curled up on my bed in a blanket, and having him stay over and not have to drive him to work at 7am. It was graaannnnnnnd.

OK, well I'm going cos its time for me to sleep! :D
Be good!

(11 Previous Opponents | Spar With Me!)

10:20pm 17/05/2004
mood: nerdy
I had waited for this day for a long, long time. Even after rushing around the house, not finding time to eat anything since I woke up, and avoiding a potential T-Bone collision on the way to the cinema, my excitement was not dampened. As the music played while the starting credits rolled, I ignored my growling stomach, and giggled internally like a schoolgirl, which I was when I first became interested in this captivating story, as well as Greek Mythology in general.

Because I'm that much of an enthusiast, I was trying to convince myself there was nothing wrong with this movie, that it was good, that there was no fault with it, even though some parts set my teeth on edge and made me go 'WTF?'

Who was I kidding?

Because I'm usually a postive, optimistic kinda gal, I'll list the good points before indulging you into why I gave it a very reluctant thumbs down.

The battle scenes and violence content were exceptional.
The acting wasn't horrible all round.
Brad Pitt played Achilles convincingly, and was hot while he was at it.
Diane Kruger (Helen) was hot, oh and played a good part too.
The atmosphere was reasonably convincing.
SOME scenes were well done (Achilles reaction to Patroclus' death...) ok, anything Brad Pitt did was good, I'm not saying that because he's hot, I'm saying it because he acted the part well.
The horse looked realistic as something built from bits of ships, plus it just had something cool about it.
The sets were terrific.

I reckon it would have been a hell of a lot better if it had hmm... I dunno... stuck to the plot?

Homers bones would be very unhappy dust. His tragic tale of heros and a long, arduous war and a cunning way to stop it going past ten years, all thrown to the wayside for what? Wasn't Paris and Helen romance enough, with plenty of trouble to help string along a plot line? Obviously not.

Achilles had to have a love interest too.
Briseis, Briseis, Briseis.

Yes, it is quite true she was in the story itself, but she wasn't a very prominent character. It says Achilles was fond of her, until Agamemon took her away, along with his own prize, because he was the Great King blah blah. He never gave her back, NOTHING Agamemnon threw at Achilles in ways of riches, land, his choice of his sisters as brides (plus Brizzy thrown in and some lesbians too), quality of life, would sway Achilles to forgive him and to fight, not even when Odysseus pushed him to accept his grand offer.

That was one of my main gripes with it, but not my only. The first one I encountered was Thetis. She was immortal, a water nymph, a goddess. Why, in all of Hades, did she look old? If I was a nymph I'd look young forever... *scratches head*
Secondly, instead of 10 years, the war seemed to take a month at the most. Agamemnon and Menelaus looked like they were going to die of a heart attack before they even left (although they did play good parts and were reasonably authentic).

That brings me to two more points: The individual demises of the Atreidiae.
Agamemnon survived the war. He died when he got home, killed along with his son, by his wife. Briseis did NOT kill him while Troy burned.
The fight between Paris and Menelaus was utter crap!! As soon as Paris wore a helmet without chin straps I figured something was up. It was a travesty. Menelaus did not die that way!

Achilles is invincible. Why does he need to dodge attacks? Spears and arrows bounce off him. Why bother wearing armour then? Cos it looks styley and because he's half god, mumsy can go get him a lovely suit of armour forged by Hephaestus! Thetis was a bitch for not telling him about his heel. He could have worn a giant bronze boot and stomped his way through the Trojans. Bleh. He looked good leaping around and getting those sneaky attacks in though.

Because I am a big fan of the dwellers in Olympus, I felt that side was being particularly let down. It was almost like they were an afterthought, even though the whole war was started on THEIR behalf. In the Iliad itself, they are mentioned a lot, as one would expect, they are like natrual forces with a character, and that's what gives it the extra boost, and added dimensions from all the other ho-hum bollocks out there. Where were the gods to play their little games? To argue with each other about their involvement and all? Thetis pleading Great Zeus for new armour for her son? THATS where the beauty lies!!! (apart from Helen). That is the contrasting side to all the violence and stuff that carries on on the battlefield. During one of Achilles speeches to... someone (I can't remember), maybe Brizzy the priestess, he wasn't too happy with the gods existence, or at least speaking on their behalf like he knew everything, that they were envious of people because they died (maybe thats why Thetis chose to look old, I dunno.. it was all very bizarre). I wanted to see deities, dammit!!

Paris was a goatherd originally, or so he thought, until he learned that his parents wanted him dead because if he were to live it was said in a prophecy (from Cassandra, whom no-one believed (it was a curse and stuff)), that Troys golden walls would fall. In this movie, it was portrayed that Paris and Hector had been brothers from day one. That brings me to Cassandra. She had a larger part in this to play than Briseis, not to mention higher-born, and she was nowhere to be seen.

I sat and watched Hollywood make a big budget mockery out of a beloved poetic tale which I have adored for the last 18 years. They completely butchered it. For the life of me I do not understand why it was altered. I can only say, that if you have NEVER EVER EVER read the Iliad, or heard about the Trojan War in all your life, go see this movie, it has some amazing bloodshed, and long hair with beads in it, and shiny things. If you are picky about the plot, which a lot of others wouldn't care a sack of grain for, "Helen of Troy" is a much better, although a little more low budget option. The only glitch in that, is that Achilles is a bald-headed brute in leather 'bondage' armour that sings Agamemnons praises all the time (what were they smoking?). Oh well, can't win em all.

/Greek Geek mode.

(Spar With Me!)

Lethal Jesus, and other stories.   
02:28am 29/04/2004
mood: good
OK, This is a really huge post and I know that some of you hate huge posts and like people to do a nice tidy little linky thing to keep it neat and concise. I treat this journal like any other journal I've had in the past, and just write and write and write... you can't do a little linky thing in a paper journal book so why do it here? If you don't like long posts go read someone elses stuff! >:) OK Fine, I admit, I dont' know how to do the little linky thing.

If the last post seemed somewhat random and possibly maybe inconsistant with the other posts (over the last, what... 4 years?), it is because there are certain aspects of my offline life that I like to keep... unpolluted and somewhat uncontaminated by blaring stuff all over the internet (as I mentioned a couple of posts ago). Yesterday was an exception. I was so charged with energy, that I thought 'why keep stuff quiet? why not open up a little more than usual?' So I did! Because I can. Keeps you lot on your toes! (the ones who don't know me other than words on a screen, anyway) :P

Aaaaaaaanyway, sticking with the somewhat religious theme, my wonderful day was topped off by going to see 'The Passion of the Christ.' (AKA 'The Passion', 'The Passion of the X', 'Passion X', or just 'The Jeebus Movie'.

It was a good movie, overall. I don't usually write reviews of movies I see (and I do see a lot on a weekly basis, at home tho not at the theatres), but for a rather controversial movie which has received a lot of bad rap (mostly about the violence), Passion was an intriguing piece of work.

The violence was good, and the makeup and gore was pretty reasonable. The feeling that I got from this interpretation of the Jesus myth was that Jesus wasn't the 'bad guy' (as certain conflicting thingies in my head may think), stupid maybe, but is it entirely stupid to speak up for what you believe in? Quite possibly, if one cannot gauge the effect it has on the masses. (He should have done his research first! :P~). Did Jesus have a God complex? (so to speak), or did the others who felt threatened by him have an inferiority complex? There was no Freud around to analyse them at the time.

Ol' J.C. was caught between a rock and a hard place. I doubt the Jews would have believed him even if he performed a miracle in front of them. What sucked is that he was made welcome there, and then less than a week later he was grated up with a meaty 'cat', or two by grinning Roman soldier guys, persecuted by shiny Jews with sticks and fancy helmets, and then by the Romans; at least they (or at least one of them) showed him a lot more mercy than they did (at first). Pilate was indifferent, he even went so far as to have the people choose between a murderer and their 'king'. They chose the murderer and he was really funny and looked like he had fun playing his character. It was the head Jew guy that kept making the call to crucify J.C. and to free that other guy, and the majority chimed in after him. Sheep.
And then a lot of them cried after seeing how brutal and sadistic the Romans could be, once they had their hand on some weapon or another. They didn't care really, it was another guy to make fun of and excessively beat up. All in a days work
The movie did paint the Jews in a poor light. Maybe it was a subliminal message, a subtle dig at the modern-day bigger picture from Mr. Gibson, who knows? This is my observation.

So to sum up the movie in a few sentences.
Jesus wore some styley amber contact lenses and cried and prayed cos he knew he was going to die and stuff. Then he got caught, then he did a kickass bungy jump and got hit a lot. Then later on Judas did a REAL kickass bungy jump. Jesus got the bejeezus beaten out of him until he was very nearly dead and bleeding. He bled a lot. Both Marys cried (a lot). There were flashbacks here and there (nicely tied into the story). There was a lot of crying and bleeding and yelling and bleeding. Jesus did a bellyflop into the dirt. The judges gave it a 3.5, because carrying a polystyrene and papier mache cross is hard to do when you're bleeding so much and your half-blind, so extra points went for effort and creativity (OK, there were no judges, but there were in my head). Then there were nails and more blood, and a death and even MORE blood and a Jesus Christ Pose to finish the routine. Then good ol dad decided to wreck everything (as usual) and make the people afraid (as usual). Talk about poor timing. Maybe he could have saved his son? *shrugs*. Nevertheless he came back from the dead, you know the story. Its a shame he won't be able to do the walk on water trick again with the holes in his feet... :P

Oh yeah, and don't forget the Satan character. What was IT's purpose in the movie? To float around all scary-like with snakes slithering from under it's robes and a smattering of mutated midget minions, obviously, because as we all know, that is what Satan does. *rolls eyes*
That, and scream 'NOOOOOOO!' from a reddish tinted itty bitty pit that is supposed to be.. Hell? *scratches head*. The effect and atmosphere of the movie would have remained the same if this character wasn't present. That was a letdown and a disappointment and one more actress to pay. *shakes head*.

Another thing that pokes at me is that the movie IS brutal and gory, very very graphically violent in a mainstream sense. Yet they lowered the age rating. I'm trying to put in words what's in my mind. It has nearly as much blood and gore as a typical horror movie, but its ok because its something that the majority of people can relate to. Being immune to almost any violent act on screen, I found it ho-hum, but there might have been some people that don't like that kind of stuff that might want to watch it for the story. If J.C had only been smacked on the wrist and maybe hit a few times before being nailed to the cross it would have cut about half an hour off the running time, but still conveyed the message to some extent. It wasn't really needed, but hey it made for excellent birthday entertainment. It was almost like being there (because of the Aramaic/Latin/etc that was used, although in some places it lacked subtitles (I think they made stuff up!)) :P
I actually preferred watching Jesus of Nazareth when they used to show it when I was younger (because that like other movies made in that era had an epic effect that can't be matched... OK except by LoTR). They could create an awesome movie without the need for copious amounts of violence... just excessively shiny body oil instead, and technicolor! :D
Passion was good to watch as an 'artists impression', like it wasn't OMG that ReALLi Hapenend LiEk DaT!!!!11111111 If I were to give it a mark out of 5 I'd give it a 3 1/2.

There! I think I'm done now! :)

I suppose one thing remains. Why the fuck did I waste a post blithering about this movie, when I've seen hundreds of other movies and not written squat about them? To put it in a nutshell, religion has always interested me, since a young age when I tried to bring back the Greek pantheon about 18 years ago after reading Homer's Iliad. I worked hard at it for 5 years (and lost a few friends because they thought I was crazy) but not hard enough. There was one point when I was certain I was an obscure god (shock, horror!) and pretty much did what Jesus got crucified for (told a bunch of people I was better than them, pretty much. Since then I've learnt my lesson and mostly kept quiet now. All in good time). Some people are afraid/uncomfortable when they don't understand stuff, and act out, especially 8 - 11 year olds (well they were in my day *shakes walking stick*)

Ironically (to rub salt in the wounds...) not long after, along came Xena and Hercules TV shows. How 'bout that for mud in yer eye! Not to mention bad timing. But hey, childhood mental scarring was worth it, because TROY is coming to the big screen next month, so it's not all bad! That will be the next movie I write about in here probably.

OK, before I sign off and go to sleep, a few updates. I have a new car now! It's a '88 Toyota Celica GTR. Nice, tidy little 2.0L, WAY more grunt than the old (and still missed) Civic. I've had it for 2 months and it is the awesomest car ever! It captures the late 80's so well! It's real flash for a car of its time, electrics, power steering, air conditioning/climate control thingy, PLUSH dark blue interior (DROOLS). And it purrs like a lusty demon. A sucky thing about it is that the night time visibility is poor when the lights are dipped. When theyr'e on full beam they're brill. I have to get that sorted at some stage (sooner the better). Another thing, the windscreen fogs up like a motherfucker so the A/C has to be on most of the time... which of course uses up petrol. Its great on hills and also when passing, and now it has the stereo I had in the Civic in it, its sooooper dooper (although I'm awaiting the day when I buy an amp, a sub, and some 6x9's.) The exterior has TINY amounts of rust but other than that and evidence of a minor prang at the front, the paintwork was flawless... UNTIL Some stupid dozy bitch pranged into me while she was getting out of a park! Not too much damage, just a little crack in the paint which will have to get fixed.

Now that I've gotten over the crash, I can relay what happened. Me and my bf, (lj user chaossphere - I forget how to do that little link bit that links to other users and i'm too damn tired), usually go out driving at nights (mostly because my car is the only place we can go if we want some private-ish time together... and no the car is a bit too small to do that in). I do the driving and he supplies the sounds and sometimes stuff like food and drink. Anyway we were exploring the roads somewhere over 100km from home, and I approached a corner, which had the signage of a sweeping corner, so I treated it as such, meaning I slowed down slightly from 100kph (which was the speedlimit ;P) so I could take it. I couldn't judge the camber, but thought the speed was adequate. Turned out it was a sharp right-angle and so I tried to slow down further but lost control and the car swerved and spun and did fuck knows and time stood still then BANG! Crashed head-on into a ditch. My bf was a bit shaken but he wasn't hurt just mostly seatbelt crap and winded n stuff. THAT, and after I checked I was mostly fine too, were the most important things. So we kinda hugged in relief, and then (I think the car was still going), I tried to reverse it out. I didn't know it was in a ditch because direction at that stage meant nothing to me. I got out the drivers side, and it didn't look TOO bad. My bf got out and had a look at the passenger side. The door didn't quite mesh properly and his face and body language said it all. My car was FUBAR! The left side was completely mangled. All I could do was laugh and sing 'Wooo I crashed my car, my car is dead!' Which is how I usually act in a situation (instead of crying and panicking and stuff). Eventually rationality and common sense crept back in and I switched my hazard lights on. Luckily there was a car coming and someone willing to help me @ 12:30am. She was really really helpful. I rang my parents and a tow truck. The tow-truck got there first obviously. My parents arrived around, 2am, and by that time my car was gone. It was horrible to hear it when then engine started up, metal was grating up against other things and it didn't sound right at all. And then there was the creaks and groans as it was hauled unceremoniously out of the ditch and taken away. Before it was, I hugged it goodbye and apologised to it, because even though I wanted to get rid of it at some stage, I didn't want it to go like THAT. To look on the bright side, both locks were fucked from break-ins, the back upholstery (which was perfect when I bought it), had cigarette burns in it), and it had the stupid memories of the stuff being stolen out of it.

If the Celica EVER EVER EVER gets cig burns in the upholstery, I will go on a rampage. I don't like anyone smoking in it, not by any degree. Sometimes it just happens. I don't like it at all, and it will stop. I must be responsible for not allowing it to occur.
So anyway, thanks to some concerned (nosey) neighbour, the cops were involved. They didn't need to be because no other vehicle was involved, but because they were notified about it (they thought the car was stolen because no one was in it), they had to follow it up. So both me and my bf had to give statements, and I was SUPPOSEDLY charged with careless driving. All the talks of courts and fines and pleading guilty made me angry and upset, because as far as I was concerned, I wasn't guilty of anything, also I do not understand that whole system (and FOR ONCE, I like it that way). If I'm wrong, I will usually admit it, but I wasn't. You know why? Because I had NO idea of the angle of the corner. It was in a 100kph zone and just had directional arrows. Yes, its a corner that veers to the right, it told me. Usually there is a speed limit posted or something along with a sign with the type of corner it is. There was none. I'm not the first to have crashed in that spot, there have been heaps of others. So I'm going to compose a letter to the council requesting something be done about it. Just a couple of signs will save potential victims stuffing up their cars or their lives.
I haven't received anything from the cops (they said I'd get something like in a month or something but it's been 2 1/2 since then). I ASSUME they've been dropped (assumings not all that cracked up to be). I like my nice clean driving record how it is.

I never saw the Civic again, except for its licence plates (which I had to part with but not before I took a photo of them). My stereo and the insurance money were the only things I got back from it, and they live on in my new car (which is a really really really fun car).

Damn this has been a long post :/ It's 2am I'm going.

(3 Previous Opponents | Spar With Me!)

26 years ago...   
01:25pm 27/04/2004
mood: cheerful
A Goddess was born - a unique individual, different from the rest. For a long, long time, she thought that this difference was a curse, that there was something wrong. For the briefest of times, she attempted to fit in, and discovered that it was like a star shaped peg fitting into a square hole. When confronting her parents about these differences which lead to being socially ostracised (although she found a less shallow, more interesting circle of friends to compensate), her parents didn't come up with any answers, except this: Be Yourself. (They didn't like this 'self' much at times though).
Being oneself is a difficult path, but the most rewarding.

This Goddess embraces that she is different, from the rest, alien, one might say. She also takes pleasure in watching the masses get sucked from one fad and trend to another, washing over their lives and carrying them away like waves, who are so much without self that they rely on external means to form their opinions and ideals, rather than search for them inside themselves. While they are drowning and getting sucked down by the rip tide of insecurity of what people might think of them, she skims atop these waves, by her own strong, constant instincts. She laughs at those who have no sense of identity, who are just empty clotheshorsey shells. She knows she is better than them, more evolved; elite.

Good and bad are relative to the perspective. There is no solid standard written in stone. Good is what she deems to be good, and bad is treated in the same way. She likes something because it gives her pleasure, she enjoys it, it is good, not something that is on a 'what's hot, what's not' list. Bad things are acknowledged, not ignored, and the problem dealt with. She is a creature who enjoys being a human animal in every sense of the word, and who revels in the natural powers of her magic.

This, the 27th day of April, XXXIX A.S. IS MY DAY!

Before I go and eat my chocolate covered apricots and indulge in an extra extra long shower with my new bathtime goodies (thanks Mum and Dad!), I will consecrate this small livejournal ceremony with a poem, penned by the lovely hands of this Goddess:

Light averted
Darkness embraced
Come to the centre
To find your place
Pale white skin
In a world of black
If you're afraid
It'll spit you right back

Chase away fears
They are but nought
External disruptions
Polluting your thoughts
Expunge them to void
Gather your rage
Read every word
Before turning the page

Pull yourself up
Beat all the odds
Crawl through the filth
To walk with the gods
Cleanse your body
In a river of blood
A fountain beside you
Erupts in a flood

Drenched in crimson
Soaked through with red
Rise up, new goddess
Throw back your head
Scream with a voice
That would bring millions death
After it fades
You take your first breath

Awaken the flame
Of blackest pitch
Ignite your soul
Ethereal witch
Who burns from the inside
With crackles and spark
Cold on the outside
One with the dark

Light averted
Darkness embraced
You are the centre
You've found your place
Blood-spattered white skin
Enfolded in black
You're not afraid now
You'll never go back

`InSaNe` 2004


(2 Previous Opponents | Spar With Me!)

Magic Works in Strange Ways...   
08:07pm 17/02/2004
mood: sad
Sometimes not in the way you want to. ;) Oh well, thats something I have to live with.

I wanted to get rid of my car, yes. I'd had enough of crap getting stolen out of it and the locks being damaged and stuff.

Now, I don't have a car... well not my old one anyway. In a later post I will put up all the details (I need some more photos and a place to put them).

To cut a long story (which I will post later) short, I had a crash at 12:30am Friday 13th. Freaky, no?

I just found out my car is a write off.

Yes it happens to everyone else.. yada yada yada. Watching my little 4-wheeled friend being towed away was pretty darn sad.

I'm lucky it's insured, and I will use the money to put a deposit on another car, and pay it off with money from work.

I'm borrowing my work car at the moment which is great cos its a nice little car and fairly new... only I can't drive it where I want... but... hey its only for another week or so.

My boyfriend was in the car too, and it would have sucked if he'd been hurt cos he started his new job yesterday... which is great because now we can go to the next step in our lives... for him its to get a car and his restricted licence... and then at some point we can find a place together. It's a bugger because he works til 8pm and I don't get to see him as much as I did, but all in all its for the best in the bigger picture cos when we get a place we can be together more. Mum and Dad now know that we are in a relationship, and because of this accident it brought us all closer together and now my mum doesn't mutter and roll her eyes as much as she used to at the mention of his name. It was a bit hairy on the way back from the accident (my parents drove over 100km to pick us up and then back again), because mum took some of what he said personally and even told dad to pull the car over... but that was the only bad thing... They drove us to Wellington the next day, so we could stay at some friends place cos we had a gig to go to that we didn't want to miss. I would have been driving down but without a car the prospect of going there was pretty grim. It was good tho, and I have to say that I enjoyed the gig immensely and it has renewed my 'faith' in New Zealand Metal! Dawn of Azazel slay!!!!!!!!!!!! \m/

So yeah, thats the ups and downs and stuff... and I'll leave it at that.

The next post I make... once I find a place to host my pix again (GEE THANKS VILLAGEPHOTOS -_-), will be one detailing the crash and what happened and basically will include the case I'm compiling. Supposedly I've been charged with careless driving (the police didn't have to be involved but they were), and if I go to court I'm not going to plead guilty... Me and dad are gonna go up to Hastings and take some pictures of the accident scene while we're there picking up the car to take home... If it doesn't seem clear right now, it will be. I don't want to post the details right now because I'll just be repeating myself later on. So keep a look out! :D

R.I.P L'il car... :(

(2 Previous Opponents | Spar With Me!)

I've changed it!!!   
04:08am 30/12/2003
mood: tired
What ya think?

I'm happy with it for now :D

(1 Previous Opponent | Spar With Me!)

I am going to change the colours on my journal   
02:36am 30/12/2003
mood: creative
My football supporting mind has kicked in and scolded me that the colour of my journal looks like Aston Villa FC colours.

My ex supported Aston Villa.

I dont wish to be reminded of eithers existence as much as possible.

So I will change the colour, and maybe do a few things. I like the layout tho, thats just zaney. It's a shame the football club I support (Crystal Palace FC), have red and blue colours, which while it looks good on the pitch, would completely not be functional as colour choice on here. I want people to read, not to get tired and irritated eyes! I'm not THAT much of a sadist!

So apart from feeling like changing the decor, what else has happened to me in the last month and a bit?

Quite a lot.

Again I am divided into two (which is something I'm used to), as what to post here. At the end of the day it is My journal, and I can put whatever the fuck I want.

That's all well and good, but another part of me feels that saying things of this level of importance to my offline life will cheapen the whole effect of it (unless of course I restrict my post to friends only... and they know anyway so whats the point in repeating information!!!!)

I've given myself some mental fine-tuning, and boy has it ever paid off. I cannot express in words what has taken place within these past couple of months or so... and to a further extent over seven years ago... and to an even larger extent (yeah yeah I'm repeating words, I'm tired so shut up), since childhood. Finally I shook a weak but regrettably dominant part of my mind untiil it rattled and slapped it around a lot and commanded it to get in line, and now it is in line. A nice clear path cut into the ground in my internal world, heading slightly towards the left. :) My mighty will shall cleave the pestilent shrubberies which may occasionally stand in the way, as shrubberies are sometimes inclined to do when the mood takes them. NO SHRUBBERY SHALL SURVIVE!!

Confused? Good. >:) Don't care? Even better. Your ignorance shall be noted... maybe not by me, because I can't see you. :P

Anyway, I shall leave this subject at that, and speak no more of it, in here anyway. I deem 95% of internet people unworthy as it is!

On the other fronts:

Employment - applied for a job at the last place I worked at for a year... unfortunately didn't quite make the grade. Feh, there will be other opportunities. Worked at the council water lab since September. Only a weekend job and at the moment its quiet so I'm not getting much income. Keen to work full-time again... even though my awake hours were mostly spent working, I liked the money and what could be gained from it... plus the fact the nights and the weekends were still mine at least, and I learnt to treasure them more. Not too keen to continue working in the microbiology section. It's really not my thing. Give me chemistry any day. So at the moment I'm cruising and watching my money although I've still got a cushion reserve from what I saved at the last place I worked.

Education - if you read any of my previous posts, sometimes I was on here rather than doing assignments. Naughty naughty. Getting a job half-way through my course upset the balance slightly, with on-the-job training I had less time to do schoolwork because I was pretty much working full days then (and benefitting financially if anything). One assignment I didn't hand in until two months over the deadline, but my lecturer was one of the good sorts who was fairly lenient when it came to such matters. Three weeks from the course ending date, I was slightly panicking... but I stuck my head down and got on with it. Wrote up all my practicals which I hadn't written up but still wrote the results down etc so that was all good. That took about a week, then finished some assignements, some of which I had started but not finished, and had them all done in a day. In the last two days I had left, I tied up loose ends with the modules I considered less important.
I received my results in the mail and discovered I had passed everything. That was the biggest rush, even bigger than Xmas. The money spent on course fees, was money well spent (and student-loan-free! ^_^)

Relationships - I am still going strong with my bf, despite baiting him online. I can't help it, in a way I prefer arguing online than offline (especially serious ones), because I don't hear the tone of voice or have to deal with sulks other than going offline, which we both have done. I think I was nice to him tonight... with good reason of course!
That thing with the stupid bitch I mentioned in a couple of posts is over. She's completely dead to me... I might have had to have dealt with some of the repercussions of things but there's always a price and at least it was temporary. A lot of awesome stuff has happened in my favour there to completely dilute the magnitude of the problem. A small irksome thing with that is that my bf still associates with her (only because she lives with another band member ><)... Fraterniseing with dead ppl... well... I can think of better things!

It's not so bad anyway, we have aquired some new friends... which might have been old friends well to my bf anyway. This is great because I have hardly had any social stimulation outside going to trivia nights and the ocassional movie (I'm goin to RotK tomorrow yay!), so this is really really good, and may prove to spread my wings into unchartered territory, if cards are played right. It's about time I tried something new! Finally good to meet ppl who I have something in common with, except my bf has more in common when it comes to music. More to do with knowledge than taste though... and a sometimes counfounding obsession with metal CDs. I like music sure, but not to the extent where it hampers my enjoyment of other things due to not being able to afford them cos of spending money on CDs! I'll stick to MP3's and my modest collection of CDs collected from 1992, in various stages of suckyness depending on where I was at in life. Even though they suck and I might never listen to them again, they're close to me because I bought them!

*shrugs* Each to their own (stupidity)! Muhahaha!

OK I'm gonna work on the new design before I go sleepies!! Nite!

(Spar With Me!)

I've just realised....   
08:57pm 13/11/2003
mood: working
... that I've had this journal for over 3 years! Thats the longest time i've ever had a journal... and its not even a real one!!... ok.. the other ones got lost... so sue me.

OK... now back to regular viewing... *slinks off and does lab writeups, mumbling and grumbling about humans all the while*

(Spar With Me!)

Humans need to DIE!!!   
08:47pm 13/11/2003
mood: infuriated
I have given up on thinking there's any decency in society. I have been tolerant of filthy humans crawling around the pavements in varying stages of depravity and retardation...

From now on... the tolerance is ZERO!!!! None, none whatsoever. Nothing. The line has been crossed, and there is no turning back. Part of me has changed due to this. A large part of me.

Although the changes began some time ago...

If you remember, in a post i wrote about six months ago, i had some speakers stolen out of my car... and i guess i was pretty angry about that. Well, yes, yes I was.

The speakers might have been worth 200 bux but i had only paid 70 for them, so that was fine, i didn't really lose out then.

HOWEVER. I bought some more, not long after... and they were better and cost me 350 bux all up. Last weekend me and the bf had a rockin good nite at the stockcars... i had parked my car with other cars... i DID have a small little tingle at the back of my mind about the speakers... but then thought nah... i've parked them out on another street all the time for just as long.

How WRONG i was. I get back, and the passenger door is fucked, and my speakers are gone.

I keep my car secure. I lock it. That's all i SHOULD have to do.

I am sick of the filth, the stupid opportunists that go.. ooga booga ooh lookie here, a nice set of pioneer 6"x9"s! I want them... Rangi said i'd get a good price for these, bro! I might even get fifty dolla! I don't see an alarm.. but the car's locked. That's where the trusty tennis ball and screwdriver come in! Wheheeee hunga bunga! I'm gonna get me some munny!

They'd be dead if my bf got onto them. To tell you the truth, he was more angry than i was, at first. Then the next day the empty sockets from where my speakers used to look at me, all tucked up nicely in the makeshift parcel tray... reminded me of their absense.

To reiterate from that post a few months ago. I'm NOT rich. I don't do it to show off, I'm not a boyracer poseur. I just like my music loud, and preferably quadraphonic. Loud, thumping/screaming music makes `InSaNe` a placid and reasonably less grouchy alien.

I bought my speakers and my stereo system because the old one was a cruddy tape deck and the speakers hissed and crackled. It was a present to myself, to reward myself of the hard work I'd done for a year. I didn't buy it because it was COOL or i was rubbing it in peoples faces that finally i was doing better than someone who works at mcdonalds or a supermarket or who doesn't work at all.

WHy should I have an alarm? Oh thats just a huge judgement that i don't look after my stuff. I did look after it. The car was secure. Why should I have to spend MORE money on an alarm, just to deter retarded, no-brained, wastes of oxygen who don't know what PRIVATE PROPERTY is.
For therapy, I wrote a pretend letter to the paper.... it was damn good too... convinced my bf and both my parents on my point of view... the words were strong, but not profane. I believe that if this particular article were sent, it would start a bit of a stir up. It's not every day one makes a public outcry for public execution, dismemberment or humiliation of wrongdoers. To me, it makes PERFECT sense. And i'll be there in the front rows, or perhaps even at the gallows, not on the receiving end.

Criminals here get off so easily... unless they're murderers or paedos... then people are on your case for years... while the less serious crime doesn't get as much coverage and the people just slip thru the cracks.

This incident only steels my resolve, and hardens my opinion that even thieves should suffer. One hand seems like a fair price to pay, enough to deter them from repeat offenses, and something to make younger wannabe's wet their jammies in fear.

I have no respect for anyone younger than 20 now... excluding cousins or co-workers children. None at all.

Race may or may not be an issue also. Don't get me wrong, I hate all humans pretty much equally, but the so called 'indigenous' race here have it too easy, so easy in fact that most of them are a bunch of lazy, slobs who expect handouts from the government as... i don't know.. some form of offering because the white man 'invaded' 160 years ago and destroyed their culture or something... blah...

I don't know whats worse, them, or the young white/mongrel children who pretend to be like them cos its 'cool' and like being a rap star. wazizzle mah nizzle. GAH!!!! THEIR ancestors would be rolling in the grave.

It's not "COOL". It's. fucking. LAME.

Leave me alone. Leave my stuff alone. If I EVER see anyone fuck with my stuff, they're history. Shove the police, I'm sure they'll understand. One can only take so much.

The annoying thing is... I don't know who the snivelling little cowards are, so I have no way to direct my anger... except to pent it up and let it out in small bursts at inopportune moments... It pisses me off... I want to deal to them.. but the enemy is invisible...

Fuck an alarm, I'm going to get another car... (when I can afford one). The one I have is too... well.... I know i can do better, and every time I look at it, knots start to form in my guts.

I was going to post something else here, but I think what I have just spouted now would somehow cheapen the mood, so I might leave it till later. It's nothing new though, just bringing some truths home that I've known for a while. So...


(Spar With Me!)

This journal is getting more attention than it used to...   
10:55pm 28/09/2003
mood: blank
People suck. I'm not being a whiny angst-ridden person, i'm being a realist.

Is there nothing out there but sheep? I can hear the bleating from here.

I should be concentrating on more important things, like writing, and assignments... but this journal calls my name...

Anyway, I don't get this whole 'friends' thing. If humans are social animals, then I do not consider myself human. Not that I did anyway, and that works fine with me.

The people i aquaint myself with are those who i know will further my growth in any way, whether as an individual, or in my employment role. There is no point creating strife within a workplace. My place is to work there, and that is what i do... i associate myself with ex-workmates once a week, why? Because I like the trivia nights, although the pub is getting a little to crowded for my tastes of late. We have a good team though, and have no shortage of prize money. Its fun, to a degree, but sometimes I just want to up and leave after my two Guinnesses and call it a night.

There are some exceptions - my bf, and some online ppl... and past friends who have gone overseas..... (ITS JUST NOT THE SAME), and ppl i have met online and then met IRL...

Anyone else can go fuck themselves sideways with a spiked mace. Unless they have something i can find useful, whether it be material, or verbal, i don't want to know them. End of story.

i am self-reliant... if i want to do something, i'll do it... preferably on my own. i used to hate relying on ppl, i used to think i was useless if i had to.. even for a lift.. i'd jus feel crap about it for wasting other pplz time... there are different circumstances of course...
but mostly i'd think 'why do i need to do this? i'm sure i can do it myself..' that way you don't owe anyone any favours.

some ppl aren't aware that they're wasting time. their own as well as others.

that really riles me. but what can i do? only stuff that is within MY power. not anyone elses weaker, tainted powers, but my own.

manipulation takes a lot of energy these days... it was so much easier when i was younger... maybe i'm out of practise or jus gettin crap in my old age hehe.

right now i'm working on a couple of projects... one is to bend my mother to my will (which isn't hard but this time she's being stubborn.. oh well, mores the challenge)... i can't divulge what it is... as to the other one.. well... its not worth mentioning either.

sometimes i like to help ppl.. or at least try.. but not jus any ppl.. and its not really help either... i'm jus offering em another view of life, that is different to their own.. to maybe compare, or somehow put things into perspective so they don't seem overwhelming... i hope it works... i don't feel like i'm wasting my time... unlike with some ppl in the past... who i have blocked from everything. ungrateful beast that they were.

i despise sheep. shallow little dirty sheep with wool over their eyes, and wool around them, that follow the flock. they have been the bane of my existence, until i figured out that i could be a bane of theirs. Aesthetics. It's all on the surface.. if it doesn't look good it sucks. Disposable poppy mainstream plastic CRAP. music, image.. its all to make them SLAVES and they blindly, Willingly follow because its what they've been told is COOL!

being an outsider, i didn't go against them as such, but just hid in the shadows and observed, which is my purpose in life... looking for their weaknesses...

they have a lot. they just talk and talk about bullshit so they don't hear the neglected voice inside their head screaming out like a starving kitten for attention. they embrace the norm, and look like everyone else, but wear different stuff (as fashion dictates), so as not to come across as being poor, because as we all know kiddies, status is everything. they find an identity amongst the pop culture, because its EASIER than doing soul searching in order to find themselves. it requires minimum thinking... and thinking is BADDDDDD and evil and occult and if they think too much outside the square you become a freak because the other sheep don't understand and are very quick to judge and label. they survive to boost the rest of the sheep crowd by telling other sheep in the outer circle of friends that they're cool and they should join in with the flock, and then within the closeness of a tighter circle of friends confide in them how much the sheep wannabe that they were nice to before, sucks because they don't wear the right shoes.

how, in all of the infinite dimensions? is that right? that they assert some kind of power to make or break individuals at their whim? the power they exude is fake! sure they might have shiny weaponry, but do they know how to wield them? its all a big fucking act!!! they have denied themselves the greatest thing in life. the power of the self.

if i had known this in my first few years in high school, i could have just laughed at the idiots as they pranced around in their finery, brandishing all their clothing categories like medals... i wished for an older person to point out that they're just idiots with self esteem lower than my own.. if i had known that i would have made more of an attempt to break them. but when it was happening, i was made to think 'why don't they like me? why don't they talk to me like they talk to the others? what's wrong with me? i must have to hate myself because i don't fit in.'

that is a load of bollocks. in reality it is: 'do they find me threatening somehow and dont' know how to act when i'm around? why do they do this? are they intimidated? scared? if so, why do they react like that? i'm not doing anything to them... why do they have to be so weak? i know they're always on guard when they interact with me... and I KNOW they're jealous of something (like they'd ever admit it) and this is a very immature way of showing it. they're just weak, substancless shells with nothing going for them except their looks... but looks don't last... i'm going to spend the rest of my school life toying with them, experiment, see what makes them tick... because surely they don't exist out of school, not on a huge level such as this... and i look forward to that time when they just wake up and go "WHOA what have i been doing all this time? i've ACTED like a tard... oh well i'm glad i've grown up.. why couldn't i have gotten to know so and so? they seemed like a decent sort.. except (insert ringleader here) told me that they were a freak and didn't have their hair in the right style and wore the wrong cut of jeans that cost less than $100... and said that i would lose my respect in the group if i so much as talked to them... so what? that means nothing now!" The day that finally comes is when i'll have my hope in ppl somewhat restored'

Woohoo cool a thought within a thought!

that would have been fun. sadly it wasn't like that, but at least i can say to ppl who are going thru this unnecessary victimisation.. an sympathise with them... and maybe show them a glimmer of hope... so they can rise above the stench of the collective... i want my words to be heard... to sink in... and mean something to whom those words are directed to... because not just anyone will listen to em and understand.

why bother? because everyone needs a hobby. this happens to be mine. it takes a special kinda person for me to offer wisdom to tho... i wonder if they realise that...

Love yourself. Weird, the L word coming from me? Not in this case... its the only real way i will use that word.

I mean LOVE yourself. With everything, inside and out, every single cell. and atom. Someone asked me how... a lot of that you'll have to figure out yourself and i'm not really gonna give instructions on some of the finer points *evil grin*... but this is something i made up for myself, not copied it anywhere although some of the principles might sound similar... i've tried it a few times and its really good and it works.. if it doesn't work for you maybe try something that suits your own way of thinking.

1: find a quiet place... no interruptions and all that...

2: close your eyes, and just lie there and breathe and think normal thoughts just whatever.. postive, negative, anything...

3: feel your body relax while your mind is awake... breathe in and out deeply (almost like you're being asleep).

4: concentrate on your breathing... focus... and with every in breath visualise a vacuum cleaner sucking up all your negative thoughts. every single one. leave the positive ones where they are. that goes for every negative scene that you jus keep bringing up out of habit, if thats how your mind works... and with every out breath, expel all those thoughts that ever hurt you and cut a dent in your armour. they are unwanted. they are unnecessary, and do not belong in your core.

5: turn the positive thoughts into energy... something that feels good... pull that energy into your very core... remember that you are not a three dimensional being. you have as many internal dimensions as you wish.. but you do have a core.. the very centre of your being... place the energy there and plant it like a seed...

6: Visualise it growing, and spreading throughout your internal universe. NOT your body... at this stage you should feel like you don't have a body.. because it is relaxed and numb... you should jus feel yourself.. your essense.. in the darkness... in the world behind your eyelids... that is your domain, your universe do to with whatever you wish. it is yours and yours alone.. you ARE that universe.. all that dark expansive space is all YOU, its all your substance... feel the positive energy flow and saturate everything... this is where your body fits into it... you'll feel charged, and primed... kinda like feeling dirty then getting in a warm shower.. go with it, increase the intensity if you must.. by now you probably don't know or care where you are.. you are bathing in the postive energy...

7: if you feel it waning and you don't want it to... just think words of power in your head... 'i am great, i am the one, i feel fuckin gooood' etc. it helps to make your own up and no matter how cheesy they sound, they are relevant... don't be scared by the experience although it might feel kinda weird... you jus feel at one with the universe inside, regardless of the one outside.

8: this does have a time limit, based on how much energy you put into it. it does wear off... the feeling that is.. but the thoughts and the experience remain. the more energy you put into it, the more you get out of it by don't put too much in all the time... its like a occasional thing to do.. if you do it all the time you'll be exhausted... its jus a boost to make you realise that you aren't jus a thing that lives on a planet and blah thats it.

9: get up n do stuff, or go to sleep or whatever...

there is a lot of internal magic... one of lifes little mysteries that maybe certain ppl and organisations wish to be kept secret from most.. who knows? depends if yous are into that conspiracy theory and stuff... that the world is controlled by ppl who know too much and don't want others to know because that would take a lot of their control away.
i think its a stepping stone for something.. all i know is that the power is cool.. and its MINE. it doesn't do anything in the physical realm except maybe just refining thoughts a bit more...
anyway i have written a fuckload more than what i was going to.. n i leave it up to you... that is if you're still here... hehehe oh before i go check out this spam mail i got today!!! Oh the irony of it all.... another reason why ppl suck but this is funny as hell!

Sent: Sunday, September 28, 2003 3:08 PM
Subject: T Get on esay Street kw

Dlpioma Prgarom

Cretae a mroe prusporoes futrue for yoerlusf

Ricevee a flul dopilma from non accrtdeeid
unievrsities beasd uopn your rael lfie expercenie

You will not be tesetd, or intirveeewd
Reiecve a Mstaer's, Beahclor's or Doctorate

Call 24 hruos a day 7 days a week

1 - 2 7 0 - 8 1 7 - 8 2 4 7

yeah bud, REAL fuckin bright. you're what the world aspires to. i leave my life in your hands, o great dyslexic spammer...

Power to you, those who hunger for it...

(Spar With Me!)

I am a BITCH!   
08:44pm 20/09/2003
mood: lonely
I already knew that sure, but aren't there limits as to where bitchyness goes? It seems sometimes i will tread on the corpses of those close to me to get what I want.

What is wrong with that?

At least one of those close to me can shove it back in my face. Yes, its unfair.

Life is unfair.

There are those who fight, and those who FIGHT.

Battles with self, battles with others, battles with the system, battles with bodies, battles with minds, and with souls.

Life is one huge battle. One big unfair battle where all the odds are stacked against you.

Unfortunate, yet challenging.

Although I like to fight alone, sometimes its great to have a team mate. There have been some that haven't made the grade, so i just left them on some far away planet to die.

I have that ablility, to just leave people by the wayside, and forget about them.. either that or they just forget about me and i don't give a shit anymore. the universe is a very big place.

I guess i'm not the best of team-mates when it doesn't suit. Only cos i leave the others behind or they're wasting my time, and causing a huge imbalance.

I'm a bitch. its the only way to survive. crush or be crushed.

some ppl find out the hard way...

am i sorry? *shrugs*. why should i be.

(Spar With Me!)

It Will Never Happen To ME!!!   
10:23pm 15/09/2003
mood: gloomy
Here I am again to feed you with journally goodness. For the past few days the voices in my head have been Screeeeeeeaming for me to write in here, and enough shit has happened in my life to warrant another instalment.

Things occur sometimes that make you think 'awwwww it won't happen to me!', and you just continue life as you usually do...

Something did happen, which wasn't all that major compared to some troubles, but still it revealed a small secret... ok ok it was a three year long secret...

Dun dun DUNNNNNN!! My parents now know whats going on in my bedroom during weekend nights. They didn't walk in on me and my boyfriend. but mum discovered it in (her perspective), a not so pleasant way... This time, there was no cover-ups, no backpedalling, nothing I could do to gloss over details... it was there in plain, clear rubber.

Mum wasn't happy and gave me a talk that i've heard more than once. Again, that opened up a whole new dilemma in my head, one i've sometimes even have to ask other peoples opinions on... when i was in a weak moment.

Whats more important, emotional value or monetary value...? Who's better to be with, a guy who's loaded financially but who has the personality of a stick, or someone who doesn't have much money, but who makes you laugh and feel good about things, and who understands the way you think?

Would you go with what your head thinks is the logical choice for a secure future, or with raw gut instinct and pin hope and trust on something that could go either way but because you feel so much for this person you could let SOME things slide...?

I had the opportunity for the former, but I blew it because it felt wrong. Could it have improved if i had stuck at it...? Maybe, but i really wasn't going to hang around and find out... it just felt wrong somehow, despite what was going on in the background.

Mum says that i can do better, she knows i can. She knows what i want, we've talked about goals and wanting something so much it turns into action brought on by hunger of whatever is set in ones sights. I know this too, but also I am stubborn, and in this case she can talk at me until she is blue in the face... i'm happy. I know she's my mum and everything and she wants whats best for her 'little girl' and she doesn't want me going down the track i did with my LAST boyfriend... so she tells me not to make a life commitment, to give me some room to back out, if need be.

That secret is still intact. She only thinks i'm just sleeping with him for something to do. It used to be like that, but it isn't now, its more than that... my relationship with him has substance now.. its not just empty fucking like in some cases it used to be.

Does this make me foolish for possibly going down the same track (although it is an ENTIRELY different situation... i'm not living with him for a start, plus i am actually doing something in life other than sitting at home feeling miserable 24/7, and I've grown within myself a lot over the past few years... and while there's still a FEW things to iron out, they're fairly minor and easy to overcome with the right communication and input.

Or does this make me a fierce spark, for going against the tide of grey society, placing myself in the tattooed arms of someone who isn't a suit-wearing piece of wood (although he does wear a uniform of sorts...), and see where life takes me (more ups than downs i'm hoping...)

I only hope that *HE* hasn't bitten off more than he can chew... plunging himself into this relationship which is on a major part a team experience... when he hasn't done much in way of his own independence... Thats probably the only sticking point. I CANNOT stress enough how important that is, and something I agree strongly with mum about. I don't really quite know what goes on in his head regarding this aspect, so i can't really comment. Being self-sufficient is one of the most important pinnacle in life... it is when you truly become an adult, in the meaning of the word.

What happens if your parents all of a sudden die, and you are left with no family, and for the most part, unreliable friends... who do you turn to? Without the basic life skills, you're FUCKED! That is why it is of utmost importance that as soon as you can, learn to do stuff you would otherwise take for granted, just because you never know... one day it Will happen.

It's strange because on the most part my boyfriend is stunningly intelligent... what, did you think for one second i'd go out with a boring brainless moron typical easy-going human without an ounce of creativity? HA! ^_^ I'm with him for a reason... well ok a couple of reasons... :P

So anyway, it DOES feel good to have a small portion of weight on my shoulders lifted... although i don't think mum will look at my boyfriend the same again... oh well, her problem its not like they talk much anyway.

On other fronts, again, I should be writing an assignment rather than concentrating on this... i've probably written enough words in quanitiy in here to have finished it by now... but its better to write about something I like instead of something that i'm told to write about something i know little about or don't want to know about because it is of little interest to my internal brain-cogs, but of considerable interest to my education... -_-

About three entries ago i mentioned something about a situation that i skimped over, not wanting to release all the details, the one that turned out to be a catalyst in taking the relationship with my boyfriend to beyond the physical, partly because, i may have mentioned, it was a very weak moment for me and i was able to communicate easily on an emotional level, which i have trained myself not to. (I don't believe in soppy romatic stuff... unnecessary emotion IS weak).
I've been using ALL my willpower to forget that it ever happened. Nearly three months down the line, i find its not working to its full capacity.

In all my life i have never been so angry. EVER. About anything. About all the crap that eventually led up to it. If anything, it was a miserable failure in communication gone horribly, HORRIBLY wrong... twisted and warped into a fucked up perspective by external means and mental unclarity, not on my part. It was totally unnecessary, which is why i think most drugs are pathetic, and humans are irrevocably stupid.

All along I knew it, it resounded along my soul like a trip-wire being set off... i wanted to be away from the situation before it even erupted, avoided it all together, which i COULD have done... if it wasn't for the enticing idea of a weekend far away from home. That in itself was another torch to add to the fire. If i'd been in my home town, i could have just up and left. I was over 500km from home, so it would have been a 7 hour drive rather than a 5-10 minute one. I had known all this was going to happen yet i was led along like an unwitting lamb to the slaughter, thinking it was all beyond my control... and quite possibly it was, because apparently it was ALL IN MY HEAD and not as bad as i made it out to be.

BOLLOCKS. i am an observer... an observer never misses the fine details of interaction, especially when they are the prime target. In this field, my instincts are almost never wrong.

Although in this little scene in my life i would rather forget, it was made out that everything was my fault... i was blatantly falsely accused of doing things that in reality i would not have considered, mainly because i probably had something better to do. For some reason, i almost felt guilty, drawn into this verbal spell of... i don't know i can't describe it... after enduring it, it did feel like something was my fault, but going over it, nothing was... at the end of the day it was just a heap of nonsense spouted by someone who was off their face. This person made no attempt to hide their... somewhat childish... rage... for some unknown reason.. directed at me...

I hid mine quite successfully, although when it was over... i was shaking and i couldn't sleep and i wanted to go home... i was in some sort of shock...

I don't think i can fully get this out of my system unless i somehow write it... discussion with another party just rekindles my own rage, and because i don't yet have any means to satisfy myself with dealing with it in a physical sense, i will reason with the keyboard... its a shame if the only other person who knows what happened and was there, has to once again be subject to my ranting... although in a different medium..... i feel i can get EVERYTHING out in writing... without skirting over any issues. I think i'm kinda beyond caring in this case. Because i have chosen to speak as little about what happened in my day to day life, i realise that a raw purge of written words is in order. Thats how my brain works, and its also how i dealt with my problems at school/home/etc... except those were written with pen on paper.

I had never felt the urge to hit someone so much. To make them feel pain... and who knows what would have happened. If it weren't for the spikes, I probably would have made a move, furthermore, if one had been made on me (which this person had hinted at 'if i pissed them off enough' - like i do that sort of thing on purpose for fucks sake), there is no ounce of doubt that i would have defended myself and retaliated. In over 12 years, my head had not swam with the red pirahnas of raw, electric rage surged through my bloodstream, until then.

In over 12 years, which was during my first year of high school. That was what helped me rein in my fury. That this person was no better than a smarmy little highschool student who thought i wasn't cool enough to be in their club. This notion, ridiculous as it may have sounded, kept my snarling wrath at bay. I don't know whether this person was baiting me intentionally to start a fight or what... i didn't want to give her what she wanted. i wasn't going to play her stupid immature game and drag myself to her level, at any cost to my pride.

If a deaf dog barks and yaps and snarls at an impenetrable, calm barrier, who is ideally the stronger of the two? Regardless that as soon as it was over the barrier crumbled...

If it had gone on any longer, my patience for reasoning would have worn out eventually, because its not what i'd call a conversation... for starters it was completely one-sided and totally incorrect and wouldn't listen to reason, and even when it had let up for a few minutes, again it started over... quite monotonous and repetitious.

What makes it all the more worse and confusing, is that before all this crap... i did hold this person in a kind of silent awe, and respect. I did sometimes feel uncomfortable in her presence... so i rarely spoke... in some company i don't say anything unless theres something to say... (probably why i keep the journal entries so widely spread apart)... and because she is sometimes unpredictable. (well duh). She was like some kind of etherial queen of art... almost from another dimension... i liked watching her... she has a figure most women her age would die for... although i did have this respect for her, all i saw was a waste. i couldn't help it... usually i can communicate on others wavelengths... but it was like she belonged to a tribe that had a totally different language... i wanted to get through... in some things we do have stuff in common... except in different pantheons maybe.. it would have been good to share knowledge...

these days i do like communicating with clear minds now... minds that don't CONSTANTLY need interfering substances to think on another level. (does that make me a hypocrite?? yes and no.. after i'm finished with the bottle of salvia thats it. no more, ever. i do things out of experiment, not addiction and escape). Minds that can fashion their dreams into reality - not let it flap loose in the breeze hoping a strong gale will set it in flight - have my infinite attention. Maybe thats why i like listening to my chemistry lecturer rant about stuff (although it doesn't really help with study). It makes fists in my mind rap their knuckles heavily on the small bubble i sometimes place on myself through limitations...

i had no openly hard feelings towards this person... yet i could feel hostility brewing from every pore even two or so months before this all happened. i could feel it in the air, choking, suffocating, and it wasn't the incence.... invisible electricity raised the hairs on my skin.... as soon as i entered the house during those times, i just wanted to be out of the door as quickly as possible. if leaving immediately wasn't on the agenda, i would sit on a couch next to the drummer in their little bandy groupy thing and hold his hand or place my hand on his leg or something... just to ground me... if conversation went on, i mostly just immersed myself in the music that played a lot of the time. Kami help me if the place was ever without music...

and yes... the drummer is my bf... one of the reasons why this whole thing is difficult. i don't blame him directly for anything... this is between me and this person.. he did his best at the time... if the whole situation were any different i wouldn't give as much of a shit.

I'm usually an easygoing person... i don't pin the blame on anyone if need be, and despite some of my beliefs, i am very forgiving. But like some of my beliefs, whether personal or external or common sense or whatever... if someones fucked with me, whether being high or drunk is NO excuse (unless they were a complete stranger who i didn't know), they are ELIMINATED. Pure and simple. Not necessarily dead, but non-existent in my eyes. I have done this before, so i am not a stranger to it... but i know this...

COMPLETE SEVERENCE is needed... of the person.. of the people who know them... no contact or anything whatsoever, so they just simply, disappear... which is quite funny, because during this stupid ordeal, she mentioned the very same thing... because she was sick of me coming around late in the weekends or whenever to pick up my bf after the jam/practise/whatever was over. i had my reasons for all of that... which was that because I had the vehicle, i was in control of what time i turned up... i might have been involved in something important like writing, to just instantly tear myself away on a command. and if that lot was too lame and got drunk/whatever else so they couldn't drive my bf around here, that also was not my problem. it was my way of setting boundaries... that i was not some little doormat taxi that turned up when it was convenient. it was also a message to my bf to get his shit together and get himself a reliable mode of transport and not rely on anyone else... seems somehow it backfired on me and made it seem like my fault..... -_-
anyway she didn't listen to what i had to say there... she said something like 'he's more than welcome to stay the night.' TOTALLY missing the point... she made it seem like i had told him to ring me when he had finished like i was a total control freak there... whereas he'd supposedly ring me when he'd finished.... oh well her problem.

I don't go around there anymore... not for ANY reason.. well i try not to, but some ppl are just too lame for their own existence, but i do NOT want to make it a habit. Complete severence and all that...

A little tiny voice in the back of my head tells me that maybe it would benefit me a little bit by trying to patch things up.. and have a civilised conversation rather than try to talk to a 37 year old toddler going through teething. How would it be beneficial...? well for one my bf can carry on with his band thingy hobby stuff without me rolling my eyes and grinding my teeth... but is that REALLY a personal benefit. i can say it benefits me by getting all this out of my hair, wiping the slate clean, releasing the vice it has on my circulatory organ and stop me shaking in rage every time she is mentioned...

is everyone else blind?? now i only see an old hag pushing 40 covered in tattoos that do look impressive and complement her whole 'image' and what she is trying to portray herself to be, who somehow got caught in a rip tide that turned her world inside out and might have given her some insight... and now she's stuck there while even the people around here are moving on... like a horse and carriage stuck in a world of motorcars... i can see potential in ppl, and what i saw just was a waste of that.... sure apparently she's living her life how she wants... but what makes her so unhappy...? what causes her to lash out in these fits of emotional and sometimes physical violence?? especially when she doesn't get what she wants... then the tanties start, and they're anything but mature. she likes being the matriarch, the mother cat... (its funny the guys don't see that at all) whether she saw me as a threat, i do not know, nor will i probably ever know.

Some tell me the result of that night was just a bunch of drugged ranting and 'she'll hit herself over the head about it in the morning, ha ha ha... etc...' she might not have had control on what she said, but she said it... if the thoughts weren't there, the words wouldn't have... i knew that she probably had planned it, the thoughts she had probably had during the day and the past months just bubbled to the surface under a weakened control... there was substance to those words... i could feel it, and i know it... but the thing was, i was straight, completely not under influence of anything, and those words, spoken by a yapping poodle, still did cut... i didn't have a fluffy pillow of intoxication to lessen the blows... or possibly in turn enhanced their power... although i'm not reeeeeeally prone to violent outbursts when drunk. they sliced at my pristine braincells... i could have probably laughed them off, i don't know... i WOULD have if it had been someone i hadn't known at all... but this was a complete surprise... I do believe most of it was a drama act, and might not have needed to happen... i've been told not to make a big deal about it. so i won't. in real life. here, i will make a big a deal of it as i like.. because its a pesky pixie that i have to rid myself of.

After a recent turn of events, somehow i see that chance of receiving an apology is failing, which gives me all the more cause to believe that she meant everything.... i dunno...

Especially since after a turnaround period of two days, where she nutted off at her 'bestest best friend' (aka my bf), in another drunken tantrum because she thought he wasn't dedicated enough (he has a thing called a 'life' in other words), he received an apology.

I asked him 'and where's mine?' that would have been the perfect opportunity... and if he had felt he was maltreated, COULD have poured salt on the wound there, and twisted the blade. That chance is lost now, and while i told him that it was no big deal, i kinda just waved it away like it was nothing... of course i would... why? because i don't go around nutting off at ppl if it doesn't get me anywhere.

i believe fate has made it this way... otherwise he would have remembered to remind her... i wish he'd made her feel stink... or just dig up that crap and rub her face in it... i would have done it if someone nutted off at him and didtn' talk to him for months, then went mental at me then apologised for being stupid... i would have bought that previous thing up.. so everything could be righted at once... without having to sound like begging, because you'd have the noose at THEIR throats...thats what being evil is all about... it seems some ppl can't grasp the finer points of that art. yet.

that in itself speaks chapters... in two different volumes (cryptic eh?). as usual, because i consider myself Above human stupidity, i will let it LIE. in here though, its different.. i can be what i want, who i want, where i want, when i want and how i want and why?

Because I can.

Nobody tells me what i can and cannot be. NOBODY has the right to dictate my ego and what i should think and what i shouldn't do just because it pleases them, and may make Their lives easier through my discomfort. I have learnt that the hard way, it doesn't accomplish anything.

Its great to be yourself, but sometimes 'acting' can be fun, and less annoying. Just because sometimes you play pretend, doesn't stop you from being who you are. It is in no way being untrue to oneself.

Anyway, I shall end this... until next time... tired... and stuff...

(3 Previous Opponents | Spar With Me!)